Saturday, December 31, 2005

WonderTwin Powers...Activate! Form of...Listenable Radio! Shape of...Happy Zambo!


Greetings Citizens!

I am in a pretty improved mood at the moment. Initially, I was going to post something along the lines of, “As another year comes to an end, it’s gut-check time...and mine's getting to be too big…” Blah, blah resolution…blah, blah exercise, etc…But screw all that nonsense!

It would seem that my American cousin (not a reference to the film…Sorry Ms. L) is a total champ and was OK with me using his credit card to “activate” my SIRIUS radio. So I’ve been sitting in my car for about the last 3 hours listening to “SUPERFAN ROUND TABLE” on Howard 100…I’m feeling a little bit cold, but overall I'm quite happy. I took my laptop to the car and went through the whole online activation process using my cuz’s information. I called Best Buy earlier today and it turns out that even though one requires a US address in order to purchase American SIRIUS products, the product is only registered when you activate it. So I used all my cousin’s info and it was a breeze! Also, perhaps because I was calmer today, I noticed that the lifetime subscription option (for the life of the radio…not the purchaser) is available...but it’s the sneaky second tab at the top. I didn’t notice the first time I attempted to “activate”…That time I was using a different person’s info and trying to activate it with my apparently useless Canadian credit card…I was also only wearing shorts and a T-shirt in my car…which was parked in my unheated garage…I felt like I was doing spy stuff or defusing a bomb or something…so I didn’t notice the second tab at the top…Then my credit card didn’t work and I suddenly got warmer…But now things are better. I may even retract my earlier comments regarding those who I believed were trying to prevent me from listening to my man Howard…Nah. They can still go piss up a rope. Maybe I’ll go easier on their mothers this time though. Nah. Fuck ‘em.

So I really enjoyed listening to the “SUPERFAN” discussion, which recapped some of the most memorable moments of 2005. It’s been a while since I’ve heard any Stern…about 2 weeks! There’s no “Best of” on the station that used to broadcast the program…just Glass Tiger and Bryan Adams, etc. I don’t think I’ll be tuning in to that any time soon. Anyway, it was nice to get a little fix. They can’t play any clips (due to “intellectual property” issues) but it was still pretty good. They also addressed the rumour that Howard and Beth got married. Excellent timing for such a stunt, either way…Anyway, the tag for the station is, “Howard 100. No more bull shit!” The best is yet to come, my friends.


I briefly explored some of the other SIRIUS stations…Channel 013 is “ELVIS RADIO”…all Elvis, all the time. Cool. Also, you can log on and listen to certain stations on your computer. (But there are certain stations that cannot be accessed this way). So as I type this, I am listening to Beethoven’s Piano Sonata No. 23 in F Minor, Op. 57 "Appassionata"…it’s turned down low, while I’m also watching Matthew McConaughey on Conan…it’s a repeat. Greg Behrendt is also a guest. He’s pretty funny ~ a comedian turned author. I bought his books for women about relationships, thinking that some of his humour would come through. It didn’t. I think it was this interview that triggered the purchase. Frankly, It made me a little sad to think that there are women out there who would read these books to help them get over a breakup…I find this need for re-assurance troubling. Did I mention that the Oprah endorsed his books? She did. I believe Conan asked him what it’s like to be loved by “the all-powerful Oprah”…Anyhow, I was thinking about writing something that touches on relationships and thought I’d see how his books address the topics of breaking up and how some guys just aren’t going to be into you sometimes…(from a male perspective)...It’s weird that such books are best sellers…I guess I’ve fed the machine by purchasing them. It was a bit impulsive and they’re more of a one-time read for me…A funny line by Behrendt’s wife Amiira (co-author of the second book) was a quote from her granny, “Even with all the mayonnaise in the world, you can’t make chicken salad out of chicken shit.” That’s all I got. He was so funny with Conan. Too bad the books weren’t as funny…More along the lines of Stuart Smalley personal affirmation: “You’re good enough. You’re smart enough. And Gosh darn-it, people like you”…

So we’re another year closer to the ultimate equalizer. Hopefully we’re all a little wiser. Enjoy whatever New Year's Eve stuff you’ve got planned…be safe while you’re out there having fun.

I'll leave you with a link to one of my all-time favourite sound files. It's an oldie, but a goodie! Enjoy! (I would have sounded something like this guy, had the SIRIUS not activated this time)...

Talk to you later.

Your Pal,

Zambo.


P.S.


Good to see you again, Ra! I like the new picture!

Captain Oreo: Welcome back. It's been too long!




Thursday, December 22, 2005

Desert Islands and Getting Tagged...

Hello Folks.

I’ve been away from Blogsville for a while...but I’m back! I hope you didn’t miss me too much.

Recently, a lady I know asked me a "hypothetical lost on a desert island question." The scenario is as follows:

You’re going to be left on an isolated island in the middle of nowhere, with no chance of ever leaving it. You may take only one person, living or dead, to live there with you for the rest of your respective natural lives. Who would you choose?

I asked a few follow-up questions. You can take the person at any point in their life…(like Elvis in his prime), but you are the age that you are now. A lot of people just answer immediately with Angelina Jolie or Brad Pitt or some other good-looking celebrity…without really thinking it through. But I was thinking about the long run. Even though it’s all hypothetical, I have to answer it to the best of my ability for some reason. (The lady who asked me the question chose Jesus, by the way…and we discussed that choice a bit. We addressed some controversial aspects of his life story…which I won’t go into here).

Wouldn’t it be nice to spend time with a great thinker, or someone who would be “entertaining”? But after a bit of thinking and some further discussion, I realized that there are several undeniable “needs” that would have to be addressed after all the discussions run out. It would probably have to be someone of the opposite sex. But who? Choosing our current mate seems like a good answer at first. But by doing so you are, in essence, taking him/her away from the world we know...to live on this deserted island with you. That’s probably not fair to him/her.

If you choose to take Hitler when he was a child, you could impact world history and save many lives…but you’d have to live with him for the rest of your life (or his). Perhaps you could affect his development in a positive way. This would be “taking one for the team” in a big way, I guess.

If you took Leonardo DaVinci as a young man, this could affect the way he would develop as an artist and thinker ~ and it could change the course of art history. If I were a gay man, he might be my first choice. I have been facscinated with him for so long…even before Dan Brown told us how interesting he was/is…He was such a great thinker and it would be amazing to spend time with him. (I’d have to learn Italian though). Also, given his history, he kept a lot of his ideas a secret and his “notebooks” were brimming with all sorts of cool stuff (though some of his ideas were incorrect or implausible, it’s still pretty damn cool). “The richness and originality of intellect in his notebooks reveal one of the great minds of all time.” Many accounts indicate that Leonardo was a gay vegetarian in the 1500s. That alone would be interesting to address. Some accounts indicate that he remained celibate after a rather public and humiliating accusation of homosexual behaviour seemed to scar him for the rest of his life, probably contributing to his paranoia and secrecy. Personally, I don’t really know if I could sacrifice sex for knowledge. (That’s always been a weakness…possibly my downfall. I'm not sure I could be swayed in my orientation, but I've seen enough "Oz" to know that one should never say never). He was an architect and a botanist among other things…Which would be helpful on an island. Yet he didn’t really get much done, all things considered. According to Giorgio Vasari’s “Lives of The Artists”, Leonardo said, “…men of genius sometimes accomplish more when they work the least; for, he added, they are thinking out inventions and forming in their minds the perfect ideas which they subsequently express and reproduce with their hands.” This would be bad. Nothing would ever get done and we’d probably starve to death, shivering. (Not that I'm a "genius"...just lazy)...

Any historical figure that you choose will be a gamble, because it would be like a blind date…’til you die. Of course it’s all just hypothetical. Plus, a lot of “entertaining” people can be introverts or assholes in their personal lives. I used to think that Peter Sellers was so awesome. But then I saw that movie “The Life and Death of Peter Sellers”. Man. Though it shouldn’t affect the work he did, his personal life now does play a factor. Should it? For instance, if I didn’t know anything about Bono, could I actually like U2’s music? Too many hypotheticals…

Anyway, if you don’t choose your current partner to go to the island with you, then this should lead you to wonder why you’re him/her in the first place…or not. I’m beginning to think that my current mate, Lasagna, would be my choice. We’ve been through a lot of stuff together over the years and we’ve chosen to be together “in the real world”…so why not on the island? We work well together and we’re good friends. I’d have to ask her if that would be OK with her…hypothetically, of course. If she wouldn’t want to go with me, then I’d have to take someone else…Maybe Jessica Simpson? Nah. If my penis ever stopped working, I’d probably have to take my own life. To be honest, I might consider someone pretty, but not as dumb as Jessica Simpson…Maybe Natalie Portman or Christina Aguilera. They seem interesting. Maybe a pretty female doctor would be a smart choice. Maybe Ellen DeGeneres? She’s pretty funny, but then there’s that sex stuff again…Kelly Ripa? She’s quite cute and personable…Maybe a younger Martha Stewart would be a good choice. She’s pretty handy and, though some say she’s not very nice, I think I could win her over in time.

Colby from “Survivor” once said, “if ifs and buts were candy and nuts, we’d all have a merry Christmas.”

Anyway, I’m still contemplating my answer.

*****

Meanwhile, I’ve been “tagged” by my pal, Ms. L. I have been asked to answer the following questions and then to ask five folks to do so as well:


What were you doing 10 years ago?

It was a day not unlike today. I was living in a condo, going to school, working part-time, dating…I was also into doing reckless, self-destructive things without really considering the consequences…My pal, the 8th dwarf, once mentioned, “Remember when Zambo used to be fun?" It seems like it was only yesterday, and yet it also seems so long ago…Weird…

What were you doing 1 year ago?

Lasagna and I had been living in our house for about two months and were getting stressed about holiday stuff. But we were looking forward to spending our future in our cool house…and we looked forward to using our pool! (Note: try to get a summer closing date if you buy a house with a pool. We moved in October and had to wait ‘til June to use the pool! But it was worth the wait)…

Five snacks you enjoy:

  1. Anything covered in milk chocolate tends to be good (almonds, pretzels, peanuts);
  2. Currently the “Lindt Advent calendar” that Lasagna got for me;
  3. those crunchy, round red grapes. They’re good;
  4. Roasted chestnuts! (They’re in season right now);
  5. Cookies (soft chocolate chip or Oreos).

Five songs to which you know all the lyrics:

  1. Most Beatles songs. They have so many amazing songs;
  2. Most Green Day songs;
  3. The Big Mac jingle… “Two all beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese...";
  4. Coward of the County” as performed by Kenny Rogers;
  5. Maybe Tomorrow” from “The Littlest Hobo”.

Five things you would do if you were a millionaire:

  1. Pay off debts (mine and my family’s and friends’…within reason of course);
  2. Isolate myself from the world. Perhaps a ranch with its own fire department…But I would still try to be up-to-date with what the kids are into these days…(Like a well adjusted George Lucas/Michael Jackson-type set-up with much less creepiness…);
  3. Build a bunker with a wicked theater and lots of water and lots of my favourite snacks (see above) and guns…lots of guns;
  4. Depending on how many millions we’re talking here, I’d set up scenarios where people who claim that they can’t be bought…would be bought. They’d have to do all sorts of dehumanizing things to prove that they lied about “there’s no amount of money you could pay me to do that”…It would make “Fear Factor”, Bang Bus and Japanese game shows look like a walk in the park.
  5. Initially, I thought about the “Two chix” angle, à la “Office Space”…but that’s just one of those fantasies that usually doesn’t live up to the hype…So…Six chix…at once…

Five Bad habits

  1. Being lazy;
  2. Having outrageously high standards (which often leads me to inaction);
  3. Not getting enough sleep;
  4. Avoiding Doctors and dentists;
  5. Eating too much of the bad stuff too often (when coupled with 1 and 2 above, see “moment on the lips, lifetime on the hips”).

Five things you would never wear again:

  1. Diapers (wishful thinking);
  2. Loafers (hopefully);
  3. School uniform (it doesn’t fit any more anyway);
  4. Vests…(I never really liked vests for some reason…Especially ones made from real gorilla chests…Boo-urns!);
  5. I guess white socks…I haven’t worn them in years…It’s not that I wouldn’t wear them again…just running out of things to list.

Five Favorite Toys:

  1. Maskatron
  2. Hogo
  3. Laptop
  4. Digital Camera
  5. iPod Mini

So I did it. I would like to invite some pals to do it too...if you're interested.

I won't impose, or name names, but if you're a regular commenter, please feel free to answer these questions too.

*****

From 12.16.05

But not posted 'til now...

The Kings and I

If you ever can’t sleep, I’d suggest watching Harrison Ford on “Inside the Actors Studio”…send away for it if you can…it’s worth it…Though he’s been in many good, dare I say great, films, he just might be one of the most boring speakers of all time…I wonder what he and Calista (it means “most beautiful” in Greek) Flockhart discuss when they’re at home…Uh…never mind. Who cares?



Thursday night I crashed at The BeatDogg Estates, “A Place To Be Somebody”…We (and Joe Blow) decided to work the “Viet-Kong” combo, if you will…More “gorilla” than “guerilla”…some Vietnamese cuisine followed by a viewing of “King Kong”… The meal was tasty, as usual. Kong was like “Hulk” in many ways. It took a while to see the beast, but when you finally did, he was pretty awesome! Anyone who didn’t feel for the big gorilla as the story unfolded is one cold fish. You know how sometimes you know how something’s gonna end, yet you still have a glimmer of hope that it’s gonna be alright? Well, that was what happened here…I knew how it would end, but was still hopeful that it would all end in a “happily ever after” way… But alas, it was beauty killed the beast…Poor Ann (Naomi Watts) had to choose between the loveable and protective, but impractical Kong, and the asymmetrically-faced, but talented and brave, Jack Driscoll (Adrien Brody)…Luckily the choice was made for her.

Kong, though a computer-generated character, exhibits a range that puts a lot of the younger actors out there these days to shame. It’s interesting to see how a giant CG gorilla can manipulate us. Maybe they should use this technology to create a CG Keanu (which means "cool breeze over the mountains" in Hawaiian) that can act…Though the film is not without its flaws, Kong himself is nothing short of amazing. Here are two links about Andy Serkis, who played Gollum and Kong.


Friday was Howard Stern’s last live show on terrestrial radio. “Best of” will be played for the next few weeks and they start on SIRIUS on January 9th [not true]. As I mentioned, I stayed at the BeatDogg’s place…The station didn’t come in…So I got up early and sat in my car from about 6:15am until about 9am…Then I went in to work and watched the Yahoo! Live feed of the events. The main cast members gave speeches, then they took a bus to The Hard Rock…The Yahoo! Lady who was interviewing the Stern crew was “creeped upon” by Ronnie the limo driver…and to a lesser degree, Ralph “the fag” as they call him…They kept trying to get her to take her jacket off to see her chest…She seemed as uncomfortable as can be expected…Gary commented on the sexual misconduct as Ronnie was pawing at her jacket in a clumsy effort to get her to remove it…Stern and Fred behaved like gentlemen…Robin was good too…Martha Stewart welcomed Howard to SIRIUS. I think she was contractually obligated to do so…she didn’t seem to want to. She did manage to plug her station and to complain about the poor location she was given…Howard called her “honey” and perhaps “baby”…possibly “sweetheart” as well…That was kinda funny to me… Sheryl Crow performed two sets. Overall it was pretty good.

Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Three More Days Of Stern...

Hello there.

I hope that all is well.

They've been going over favourite Stern show moments for the past few weeks. It's like a "Best of" show with commentary.

This morning a woman called in to mention that she was going to have to get rid of her Dave Matthews tickets in order to attend Friday's festivities for Stern's final show. I guess Dave Matthews plays Boston on Thursday night and this woman's husband doesn't want to do both events back-to-back...just Stern's final show in New York. Then our good friend Artie Lange chimed in with the line that made my day...(until I got to my desk)...

"That's a tough decision for a dude: To go to something that's gay or to go to something that's cool."

Anyway, check out Stern on "The Daily Show" tonight!

Take care.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Sunday, December 11, 2005

CHIMP ATTACKS, FACE TRANSPLANTS AND HUFU!

Hello out there.

Since there seemed to be little interest in my touching tribute to John Lennon...and Lady Di...
In the spirit of "give them what they want"...I am providing a link to a chimp attacking a guy who thought he could "walk with the animals, talk with the animals"...(I must warn you that the link leads to a site containing a lot of explicit porn ads. Not really sure how to avoid that...So I'm giving you the option to not go to it...but I'm not gonna lie to you...it's pretty cool footage. No chimps were harmed in the video).

Click image for the link at your own risk...

With all the recent chimp attacks ~ and the ones that are sure to follow ~ it's a good thing they're working on face transplants (scroll to "Woman gets new face") ......I wonder if St. James' situation qualifies as ..."an exceptional situation requiring an exceptional response."

Something that I've been meaning to discuss for several months now is a product on the market called HUFU ...marketed as "The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative"...Seriously...

This image has nothing to do with Hufu, but I thought it appropriate for obvious reasons.

"The Daily Show" did a segment on it a while back. It's one of those products that makes you wonder WHY?!? (See their FAQs section)...Anyway, The guy in the chimp attack video clip above can be seen throwing what I believe to be Hufu, along with fruit, at the chimps...to quell their taste for human flesh. But any combatant or hunter will tell you that there's nothing better than scoring your own kill..."To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women! " Chimps are no different. The rush of adrenaline, the smells of sweat and urine as you're gnawing off a man's hand, face and genitalia...Forget about it! (I think Madonna wrote about this too)...

So if you're still not sure what to get "the person who has everything" for Christmas. Why not try Hufu: The Healthy Human Flesh Alternative?

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

John Lennon 1940-1980


Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a dream. John Lennon challenged us to Imagine. Each man was shot dead for his troubles…(I considered not starting with that intro. Should I really give a musician who isn’t Bono any credit as a relevant human being? See Maddox for an honest, if biased, assessment of U2’s recent contribution to music).

On a personal level, I would have to say that I have enjoyed The Beatles' music ever since I was a little kid. Before I even knew anything about anything, I knew that The Beatles were good. Now, as an adult (technically) I have come to realize that I was wrong…they’re actually incredible! (But like I said, I didn’t really know anything yet)…I still listen to them almost every day…I’m amazed at how much they accomplished in a mere 7 years…Sometimes you have to wait that long for the next album with some of today’s “artists”…We are not likely to see the likes of them again any time soon…if ever.

In addition to being a great songwriter, John Lennon was also a man of peace. Ironically, it was on this day in 1980 that Mr. Lennon met a violent end at the hands of some guy with mental problems…who managed to get a gun somehow…but to this day has not yet managed to get a personality of his own. But enough about that waste of space.

So it came up at work that today that this was the day that Lennon was gunned down. One of the English fellows I work with mentioned it and someone said something like, “It doesn’t matter to me.” So I said, “It should only matter if you like good music.” (She doesn’t). She joked that she was too young to recall the event. We had a little chuckle, and then the English guy asked another lady if she remembered the day that John Lennon was killed. She said no, but she remembered Lady Di’s death…Then a bit of a discussion ensued. She said something like Lady Di’s done more than John Lennon…I wanted to let it slide, but I just couldn’t…I stood up and said, “What did you just say?”…trying not to be too confrontational…I think she realized that maybe she didn’t know what she was talking about…But she repeated her statement, only with less conviction this time. I wanted to give her a chance to convince me. I politely asked her if she wouldn’t mind explaining her point. I didn’t want to bully her. I just wanted to hear her opinion. She couldn’t think of anything to say and just gave up…
My opinion is that the “princess” was basically the equivalent of a rich housewife with a lot of time on her hands. And when she wasn’t busy banging “the help”, she did some highly publicized good deeds in lovely outfits and smiled a lot. Good for her. But now she’s gone. Sure she had quite a following and did a lot of charitable stuff, but I’ve never understood what the big deal was. Besides the storybook wedding that contributed to perpetuating the clichéd “little girl fantasy” that even a sham wedding should be a spectacular event, I’m not really sure what she actually did that demonstrated anything other than being born into a privileged lifestyle, doing good deeds to keep busy…Sure her death was the catalyst for the adventures of that adorable "Amélie" we fell in love with…but when it’s all said and done, Diana should be a footnote in the pages of human history. A tragic, cautionary tale perhaps.

But the Beatles? Come on. They were “bigger than Jesus” for Christ’s sake! Their music was written about 40 years ago and all their work was done in a 7 year span! That’s right, seven years! And I would argue that nothing produced today can even touch its greatness. I guess there will always be talk of the Yoko factor…Nobody’s perfect. They were in love though. Not some arranged marriage that started in spectacle and ended in misery, then twisted metal. When Lady Di…uhh…died, I actually didn’t feel anything…I did, however, feel really bad when JFK Jr. died for some reason…and his own negligence even caused his death! I felt for his surviving family members, who had already endured so much senseless death (and the shame of Chappaquittick)…It was totally avoidable and he took two other lives with him…but I still felt something…I remember footage of him as a little boy saluting his fallen father’s coffin…Perhaps I let sentimentality get the better of me. But Diana didn’t really do it for me in any way. Maybe I’m just still bitter that her storybook wedding pre-empted all of my favourite TV shows that day…and then ended in divorce...Perhaps I’m being too hard on her though…But it’s somewhat like comparing Leonardo Da Vinci to Oprah Winfrey…(Only Oprah earned her way to the top of her game, so I can respect that...I don't think Di ever held a real job). Did Diana get a raw deal? Maybe. Did she earn anything in her life? Nothing I can think of at the moment…Please let me know if I'm way off base here...

I have lost sight of my mission, but I think I'm back now…Basically John Lennon was a musical genius who was also an influential advocate of peace. He's been gone for a while, but I hope that he's never forgotten. (If you went to that "bigger than Jesus" link, you'll notice the controversy sparked by a simple statement about religion. John Lennon may have also created "the modern rock star", expected to have opinions on more than just music...which isn't necessarily always a good thing)...

So R.I.P. Mr. Lennon. I’ll listen to your music for the rest of my days. Thanks.

Also, R.I.P. Lady Di. It’s nothing personal. I wouldn't have even thought of you if your name hadn't been mentioned today. Don't worry, you'll be forgotten soon enough...(by me at least)...

Your Pal,

Zambo.



Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Chestnut Stuffing

Greetings Folks.

I haven't been in the greatest of moods lately. The days are shorter and colder and darker...But I'm trying to keep positive...I've been popping the Robax Platinum every few hours and drinking the rum that I keep in my drawer...for just such an emergency. This seems to be helping. It's not for everyone though.

This is the time of year when chestnuts are in season. I really like them. I roast them in my toaster oven (because our fireplace is gas)...If you've never had them, they are sort of like potatoes in texture, but a little bit sweeter. My mom puts them in her turkey stuffing and overall, I have a pretty good association with chestnuts. (I usually cut an "X" in the shell and roast them 'til the shell rolls a bit exposing the golden nut within...Grow up!).

Anyway, as I was having some chestnuts the other night and I remembered a chapter in Chuck Palahniuk's "Choke" that combines three of my favourite things: simians, chestnuts and porn! Though not necessarily in a good way...

Anyway, here is that story:

Warning: The following contains information which may haunt you forever. Read at your own risk.







Even though this story is not an "old chestnut" I really enjoy Mr. Palahniuk's work and would encourage anyone who likes great stories somewhat grounded in reality to check out his books. He wrote "Fight Club" which (in my opinion) was one of those few cases where the film was as good, if not better than, the book.


Anyway, I'd better get back to work.

Talk to you later.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

Stern on "60 Minutes"

Hi Folks.

I hope that all is well out there.

Below is a link to CBS's web site in case you missed Howard Stern on "60 Minutes"...

See "Related Video" on the right.

I'll post something else later...Not much time lately.

Take care out there.

Your Pal,

Zambo.