When The Apes Take Over...

One day, the apes shall rise... and when they do, it won't be the way Tim Burton re-imagined it...If you haven't heard the story of how that California couple got rocked by chimps at Animal Haven Ranch, check it out here. As Jeffrey French mentions in the article, “We know that one of the most reliable predictors of increased male aggression is the presence of sexually receptive females...” Just go to any beer-sponsored event this weekend (preferably near the Canada-US border...with Canada Day on Friday and Independence Day on Monday, shit's bound to get fucked up...) and multiply what you see by about three...that should give you a brief glimspe into the future...


In honour of "Be Kind to Primates Month"...well...be kind to primates...and watch your back...

That's it for right now...

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Soup or Tossed Salad?

Hello gang!

Please read this not-so-blind item from yesterday's news... I heard it on Howard Stern's show yesterday and thought it was pretty funny...His show's been awesome these days...Today's secret words were chocolate teabag or bandit mask and they were trying to figure out who left an unclaimed package in the latrine...and it seems that there is good news on the horizon for satellite radio here in Canada.

In other news...

My good buddy, Big Mikey - a wall of a man with a huge heart - sent me a message that contained the following incredible, yet long-forgotten quote related to something that had upset him:

...From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.
Khan, "Star Trek: The Wrath of Khan" (1982)

Thanks, Mikey...That's a such a great line!...Especially for greeting cards...

Like a Kid in a Candy Store?

I went to "the candy store" during my lunch break today and I guess the phrase "like a kid in a candy store..." refers to yelling at the top of your lungs while running up and down the aisles...There were about six little kids with two adults...but it seemed like a lot more kids...It would have been perfect for a headache commercial. I knew that they would calm down once they were given their "fix"...They left, scrambling for their particular item from the woman in charge of wrangling them...The young lady behind the counter told me that experiences like that make her seriously consider not having kids...(That used to be my kind of woman)...
Anyway, the reason I went to the store is that it's this lady's birthday in Calgary...Alberta...Canada...We talk almost every day...mostly for work. She’s nice and we have a lot in common…and I know that she likes chocolate, so I thought I'd go take a look during my lunch break... Ahhhh!...

(I was reminded of how the expression "Selling Like Hotcakes" also proved to be different than what I thought it meant when they were selling hotcakes at school for a fund raiser once and nobody wanted none of it...)

Six Feet Under

This show has managed to maintain what made it good in the first place...which is rare, as this is its fifth and final season...My one criticism though, is that although it's such a bold and innovative show, the main women are still shown having sex with their tops on...their breasts covered...The latest episode discussed body image issues, but I think it has more to do with the main characters not wanting to expose themselves...It's not a big deal, but I didn't think that women had sex with their tops on...I guess I've been doing it wrong all these years gettin' 'em neked...I guess if they're wearing a nighty, then they could just pull it up, do the deed and get on with stuff...but it makes it seem so boring...I know Rachel Griffiths has no problem with toplessness... (see her bio)...

This week's episode of "Six Feet Under" in a nutshell...(I had already written it out for someone, so here it is...)

It opened with George as a boy watching his mother commit suicide in front of him...She told him to stay home from school and then she made him this shitty-looking sandwich which he put in his pocket...he continued to be messed up throughout the episode...Ruth found food in various stages of decomposition in his pockets while doing laundry...George's daughter and Nate shared a moment of loss...her child died at 2 years of age to leukemia...George went to the grocery store alone and began talking with a young mother and had a flashback of his mom...it was the anniversary of her death...He confided in his daughter that he might need more voltage...

Federico went to a Catholic singles night and saw his wife there...she told him to move on...later, he went to a funeral conference and met up with Angela (played by Illeana Douglas)...she replaced him when he went to the work for the competition for a while...Anyway, she admired his work and they ended up having sex...the next day, she told him that she had a boyfriend...

Brenda was dealing with a young girl with body image issues...Brenda also found out that her co-worker (played by Anne Ramsay ...not to be confused with Anne Ramsey......incidentally, I wracked my brain trying to figure out where I knew her from... As it turns out, it's Mad About You...I had tried to erase it from my mind, I guess) used to be fat, but got thin using speed...She then went home for dinner with her and met her "perfect family"...Also, Brenda got mildly assaulted by a raging male client...he shoved her against the wall twice and then stormed out...She was freaked out...Then, after dinner with the perfect family, she made dinner for Nate and Maya and wanted them to be like a "real family"...During the dinner, she had one of those imaginings of Nate yelling at her, telling her that she would never be a "Suzy Homemaker" type...but he was just sitting there eating...I think he said, "But we are a real family..."

Billy's acting oddly, as he's off his meds...He has convinced Claire that they should move to Spain...Claire has been cut off from her
inheritance since she quit school and she found this out while trying to purchase a camera...She blew up at Ruth...Billy ended up buying all kinds of stuff for their trip...a camera for each of them...

David and Keith were all set to adopt a kid, but it came to light that David's romp in Vegas with the male prostitute in the parking lot was on his criminal record...even though Keith thought it was expunged...They had a spat and then decided to go with the surrogate and then had "make-up" sex...

THE END

*****
You've been Hilton-ized!

What a horrible time to be alive! "That's Hot", "You're Fired!", "You've been Punk'd!", "You've been X'd"...Now, they're going to be Hilton-ized... So I watched this "I Want to be a Hilton" last night...Wow! It's come to this...I guess we asked for it...They chose a bunch of people who couldn't possibly function in "high society"...but that's good television...There was a moment near the end of the episode that qualifies as the most uncomfortable I've felt watching someone embarrass themselves in quite a while...(Tana on the last "Apprentice" going all hip hop for that TV show challenge is a close second...) I watched as Kathy Hilton asked if anyone had any questions or comments and Anne began to sing "Some people wait a lifetime for a moment like this..." I actually covered my face with my hands I was so uncomfortable...Everyone went silent and you could have heard crickets if there were any present...I'll probably tune in next week though...Fuck!!!...I hate what I've been reduced to...


So anyway, check out the new issue of "Esquire" magazine. I initially bought it for the article on Stern, but there's a lot of good stuff in there...most notably, Billy Bob Thornton's revelation that:

Sex doesn't have to be with a model to be good. As a matter of fact, sometimes with the model, the actress, the "sexiest person in the world," it may be literally like fucking the couch...

I'll leave you with a message I got today...

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY.... Some people are like Slinkies... Not really good for anything, but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.

If you can't be cool, be careful...

Your Pal,

Zambo.

I'll try to be brief...

Greetings Sweethearts.

OK…I have a lot that I want to say, but I don’t want to go on and on…and I’ll end this post with an amazing clip I just found while looking into Christian dating services…Trust me, it’s wicked!

UFC

I watched the UFC on June 5…It was pretty good, except there were some issues getting it to work, even though I confirmed it with the automated operator the day before…bitch…Anyway, the highlights for me were Evan Tanner’s face before and after …Also, David Loisseau really impressed me. He unloaded a spinning back kick to his opponent’s liver area and when the guy was in a world of hurt, he unleashed a flying knee …It was an entertaining fight…

Artie Lange

Artie’s back on Stern this week after an unscheduled two weeks off and they’re busting his balls…deservedly so…he had a bit of a breakdown…but I guess he’s all better now…like when David Silver was addicted to drugs for two or three episodes of 90210, then was OK…Anyway, Greenmonkeyspank got me “It’s the Whiskey Talkin” and I watched it over the weekend. It was some truly funny shit…He refers to Warner Brothers cartoons a few times and he tells a really great story about taking a shit in the woods…while on heroin…If you like uninhibited stand-up comedy, this is the one.

Batman Begins

We saw it tonight and it was really good. The origin of Batman is explored in depth and the movie is actually about him…not the villains. Christian Bale does a very good job and elevates the franchise out of disgrace…(Thanks, Joel Schumacher…no-talent twat…). Though it had its weak points (the fights were hard to follow and it lost a bit of steam toward the end), overall it was quite good. It was fairly grounded in reality (far-fetched, but plausible…sort of in Comic Book Movie Land). Check out this interview with Bale where he has no English accent… The Beatdogg was telling me about Bale’s lack of accent, but I didn’t want to put him in a category with Madonna and Kathleen Turner and most recently Renée Zellweger for accent acquisition…

Letterman

Letterman's been pretty funny lately…He was talking to Kristin Davis about Cynthia Nixon’s recent announcement that she is in love with a woman…(She has a husband and a child...).Letterman's question: "Now is she really a lesbian, or just visiting?"

Conan

He had a segment about celebrities being mistaken for someone else. I think it was something like Denis Quaid…People often mistake me for…Tom Hanks. Then there was another one. Then Geraldo: People often mistake me for …pause... A non-douchebag…The next night, Triumph interviewed some Michael Jackson fans near the trial…and some reporters…A memorable line was: “Let me get this straight…He came in his pyjamas?” He kept asking a lady this question after she had said it...to which she kept replying "Yes"...And he kept going back to this after she would share some irrelevant piece of information...Basic, but still funny...And to win some of the Jackson fans over, he came out with a light brown face and a long black wig...

Fat Actress

All I can say is have you seen the chick who used to play “Blossom” on this show? I mean she was never going to win any beauty contests before, but at least she kept slim…But now...ugggh…

Anyway, here’s the amazing clip I mentioned…The only chick who could maybe pull this off with me would probably look something like this... No thanks… That's it for now.

Take care out there.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

P.S. some of these links didn't seem to be working when I tested this, but it was late (3AM)

It's not the heat...It's the sweat...

Hello,

It’s been a while since my last posting…I hope that things are going well…I’ve thought of things that I’d like to discuss, but I just haven’t had a chance to post anything. It’s been “hot as a fuck” lately (to quote the once great Eddie Murphy – It was all downhill after “Raw”, in my opinion…Now he’s making the voice-over money)…

Question: Did you order this heat?
Answer: Fuck yourself!

I’m not really that good with directions or temperatures. I can’t tell you which way is north offhand, but I know landmarks. As for temperatures, my onboard personal heat gauge works as follows:
1) My shirt is dry = it’s not too hot;
2) Pit stains = warm;
3) It looks like I fell into a bog (see swamp ass and magnet balls) = hot as a fuck.


Is there such a thing as pool guilt?

We have a pool and the A/C in the house is working overtime. The pool has been a lot of work to figure out, but on these scorch-ola days, it’s really good to have. (I’m not saying this to brag or to rub it in…or whatever…for anyone who has been stuck to their plastic chair in a wife-beater and boxers, while a fan blows warm air at them…) It’s just that I hate doing yard work, especially when I’m completely covered in sweat and it’s dripping off the brim of my cap as I cut the grass and trim the weeds…So I psyche myself up to do what has to be done, by telling myself (internally) that once I do all my “duties” I’ll reward myself with a refreshing dip in the pool. So the last three weekends in a row, I have fulfilled my manly duties with the yard work…and just as I was about to take the plunge, somebody would show up either unexpectedly or much earlier than expected…so I’d have to stand there like a filthy hobo greeting these people…A pool you say? I shouldn’t complain. Well fuck that! We got the house we wanted. We like our house, and the pool was a major selling point…We have put a lot of work into getting things in order, and now people are just showing up unannounced? The no-call drop in visit is something that I have never been too keen on…(When I lived with my folks, there was a kid in the neighbourhood who used to always just show up on Saturday mornings and want to hang out – I was a kid at the time too…just so that’s clear)…Or the old, “By the way, so-and-so is coming over”…while I’m in the middle of something strenuous and aggravating…But it’s no big deal…Suck it up and all that shit, right?…I guess it’s like when somebody wins the lottery and all these “old friends” come out of the woodwork, so to speak…And there’s this inexplicable feeling of guilt and this neurotic desire to do what’s “right”…Should we invite the neighbours and their kids over for a swim? If we do, will we be setting a bad precedent? Will they just assume that they can drop by any time? So we had some friends and their kids over the other day and we told them not to make too much noise, because it was really hot…and not too many people around here have a pool…so we don’t want to be assholes about it…They were so loud! Splashing and screaming…I was literally cringing, because the one neighbour has been noticeably aloof lately and we haven’t really done anything to him other than open our pool…So the old lady and I discussed it, and agreed that he’s been acting oddly lately (usually, I would be the only one to detect “odd” behaviour…I have many undiagnosed “challenges” I’ve inherited from my dad) …so we thought it would be a nice gesture to invite this fellow and his family over for a swim. He was very polite, but I felt like we were negotiating some sort of peace accord…I told him that we weren’t too sure of the proper etiquette, but we wanted to talk to him alone, so that we wouldn’t put him on the spot in front of his family…He said that was nice of us, but they were on their way to visit a friend and the kids were going to go swimming there…We had a brief discussion about … “if the opportunity presents itself in the future…” blah, blah, blah… I shoulda just hopped the fence in my goggles and a Speedo, with my gut and my balls hanging out, and asked his under-aged daughter if she wanted to come over for a dip…This was truly a “Curb your Enthusiasm” type of awkward moment…He was very nice about it, don’t get me wrong, but it was somewhat uncomfortable…We’ll probably invite the other neighbours too…At times like these I often wonder what would Jesus do…if he actually existed?

More heat-related stuff:

So on Sunday, I cut the grass and used the weed whacker to get the edges (It’s electric, but I got an “Eliminator” from Canadian Tire and do the trimming like vacuuming with a canister vac – which, as a point of interest, is more reliable than the upright, generally speaking…..*There’s an ad for the latest version of the “Eliminator” on TV as I type this…another one of those odd coincidences*…..) So I finished the grass and then helped weed the garden a little…Then I went to the other side of the house and cut down this old dried out bush (it’s true…there’s no joke here)…I used a saw to cut down the various thick branches at the bottom…I cut the bush into smaller pieces for disposal purposes…The whole time, I was covered in sweat…I went through almost two rolls of paper towels…(Sorry Ladies…I’m spoken for…) Then I was offered a frozen Kool-Aid Jammer. It seemed like a nice treat at the time, but ended up being torture. I could only get a little bit at a time...I tried to melt it, at first with my hands, then I tried rubbing it on my head and neck. (Let me know if you would like a more detailed description...) This was soothing, but not really helping to quench my thirst...I could have gone into the house at any time to get another drink, but I became fixated on this sack of blue fluid...So I left it in the sun for a while and continued to work away...Eventually, I managed to suck all the blue off of it and what remained was a small chunk of white ice in this hermetically sealed sack…I cleaned up and put away all my tools…I was about to take the Nestea Plunge when I was told that a friend was coming over with some more rocks for our garden…So after unloading several large bucketfuls of beach stones, we had a few drinks and I finally got to go swimming! I must say that I enjoyed it very much. (I usually use my fins, mask and snorkel and I find it quite soothing…I retrieve quarters or pool toys from the bottom or do laps)… I like to stay underwater for as long as I can before coming up for air…There’s something about the sunlight hitting the water as you're resurfacing that I find appealing…That urge to breathe and pushing yourself to the limit, etc…

So next time a friend is on “E” , lock him in a room with a 1-way mirror and give him a frozen Kool-Aid Jammer…then set up the video camera and pull up a chair…

On a completely unrelated note, remember that band Jackyl? They had that lumberjack song and one called “I Stand Alone”…but they also had a sweet little ditty called “She Loves My Cock”…This one goes out to all the gals out there who’ve had their hearts (among other things) broken…

Anyway, that’s it for now…

‘Til next time…

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Change: It's the only constant...

Let’s get right to the point:

If you’re happy/satisfied/fulfilled with the way things are going for you, then there’s probably no need to read this post, as it’s filled with the ravings of a bitter curmudgeon. It won’t be long before I’m shaking a fist at kids on the street, telling them to get jobs and how hard it was in the “old days”…In all honesty, things aren’t really that bad, but they’re not exactly where I would have thought they’d be by now…My personal life is going well…but…

It seems that a lot of people define others by what they do for a living. Since we spend so much of our time doing it, I guess that makes sense. Personally, I don’t really care what others do or how much they make…(but when you find out that a little piss-ant who works in your building makes close to $100, 000 a year, it can really make you reconsider what’s what…). Whenever I go to a wedding and people start asking me what I do, I try to change the subject. It’s just small talk…(but you know if you’re a plumber, you’re going to get some questions or a call at some point for some “pro bono” work). I find myself saying that my job is “OK for now”…I don’t really want to know what they do, but they seem to be asking so they can tell me something about themselves (usually)…

Anyway, I see all this potential in my friends and in myself and I wonder why we are not doing something better with our lives. Is it possible to have a job where you actually look forward to getting up in the morning? (I have heard that even porn stars get the blues). Can we do something to change our current circumstances? What is it that’s holding us back? Perhaps it’s fear - fear of failure, or the fear of leaving something familiar for something unknown. You could be wildly successful...or you could regret leaving your current unfulfilling job for something even worse…It could always be worse, but it could also be better…The grass is always greener…Be careful what you wish for…Is it clichéd thoughts like these that serve to keep us where we are?

I’m sure there are others who wish they could have our jobs…perhaps because they’re taste-testers at shit factories, or they think we’ve got it good…We seem OK on the surface (sort of) but I don’t think they realize that we have compromised, and basically cheated ourselves, by settling for mediocrity…Maybe our expectations of what our lives should be are too high…There are a lot of variables to consider…A guy with a family might have to take a job solely for the money and that, in itself, could be enough justification.

Plus, most “successful” people are dedicated to achieving goals, whatever they may be…and they make certain sacrifices in order to achieve said goals (loved ones, free time, being nice, fast food, etc. - even TV!). We tend to dismiss such people as assholes and/or sociopaths, and joke about how the corporate world is full of these soulless fuckers. (Although it may be true in many cases, we are using their observed or inferred shortcomings to justify why we’re not like them…successful…rich…happy…We tell ourselves they’re not really happy…). Maybe goals are just too hard to organize and achieve…Maybe we haven’t put forth the effort required to get the dream jobs that we feel entitled to have. No one’s going to hand it to you…

Then there are what a friend once called “Survival Jobs”…"just to tide me over until I figure out my next move"…Steady income at a mindless job…(I think of “Collateral” where the Jamie Foxx character, Max, has a plan in his head…He’s just doing this job for now…until he can do what he really wants to do…Yet he’s been driving the taxi for 12 years…).

I hope that I’m not going to be having these same thoughts the night before they give me my watch for 25 years of service at my current job. Hopefully I’ll have my FAC (Firearm Acquisition Certificate) by then, so that I can shoot myself in the face…Who am I kidding, I can’t even motivate myself to do that (get my FAC)…I’ll have to use an extension cord, I guess…Or a shitload of Robax Platinum. We always seem to want to deflect the blame to others, but we really are the masters of our own destiny. Sure, we may have had to take the bus to high school, but I know we’ve had it pretty good, all things considered…I’m sure there are people with the same general upbringing that we had doing something of value, that they actually enjoy. You hear people say, “I can’t believe they’re actually paying me to do this…” Fuck them.

Shouldn’t we want more? (Isn’t it human nature to keep striving for more…and to always complain?). Are we fooling ourselves into believing that we deserve more? There’s the scene in “Fight Club” where Norton and Pitt (Jack and Tyler) are talking about their fathers…the whole “What do I do now?” thing (…I find it interesting how actors talk about the character that they’re playing as a different person, yet it just made sense to me as I was writing the previous sentence about Pitt and Norton…It wasn’t their words that I wanted to quote, but the words of the characters they were playing…Should I have quoted the screenwriter or the novelist or the actors or the director?…Oh well, back to the point…what was the point?). Oh yeah…we’re lazy…I guess that’s the bottom line. Whether it’s physical or mental laziness…ennui, perhaps?…maybe “chronic fatigue syndrome”…I don’t know…It’s just that we invest so much time and energy in things that are by all account pointless...but why don’t we divert that energy into something productive or “meaningful”?…For instance, I could have been taking measures to improve things right now, but instead I wrote this…see what I mean?

We often talk about possible ventures, perhaps making a film, or starting our own company or developing a website…but that’s all it ever really amounts to…talk…It’s easier to do nothing and then watch as stuff happens around you. Then you can talk about how you could have done it better…if you weren’t such a lazy cunt…

It’s late…Maybe things will seem better in the morning…

Your Pal,

Zambo.

P.S.

A lot of the references to "us" and "you" are mostly aimed at me and are not meant to necessarily judge or criticize others...I'm just reflecting on my own disappointment in myself and I think a few of my buddies will relate to a few points in some way...Sham poo to all my real friends and real poo to all my sham friends...