Are you there, God?

It’s me…Zambo.

I know that I haven’t talked to you in a while…I reckon I’ve only got a few good years left, and figured I should make an effort to patch things up with you…

According to Denis Leary, you don’t exist. He makes a pretty good argument:

We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one fucking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God!

If you’re out there, please give me a sign: I know! Make it so that no one comments on my blog page…Thanks, big guy…As you know, I’ve adjusted the settings so that comments will require people to type the word that appears onscreen (Thanks for the tip, Beatdogg)… So that should aid to further deter potential comments…Hopefully this will reduce the “blog spam” that’s been going around as well…(until those self-promoting shit-stacks figure a way around it)…

Anyway, please unleash some sort of plague upon the two motorcyclists I encountered on the highway tonight who deserve your famous wrath from back in the day…So could you please dust off your wrath wand and smite them, but good? You could let dogs rape them or let their penises whither with disease…( I was just watching “Rome” again)…Preferably something difficult to pronounce that shall cripple them with pain…Or you could just let them get smeared all over the pavement in their cool leather outfits…It’s only a matter of time anyway…Or maybe you could just enlarge their penises so they won’t have to try so hard to be cool and impressive…

If you could make me rich, that would be pretty cool too. I’d give proper notice at my current job and then do nothing but good deeds…For instance, I’d buy the local cat clinic a replica of the “Pussy Wagon” from “Kill Bill”…

Also, I will fight the urge to shatter the voice boxes of people who are condescending, insincere and insensitive…and those who exhibit unsubstantiated arrogance…those who try to dazzle others with their contrived irreverence and fancy chicanery…or those who use “business-speak” like it’s a real language…(You know my triggers)…

I have wondered for some time how you could have let this happen:

I shit you not...David Caruso was somehow voted "Sexiest Male" in the July 30 - August 5 issue of Canadian TV Guide...The category was actually "Favourite Eyecandy"...

I actually bought this particular issue because Evangeline Lilly was on the cover...(but not really in the magazine...one sentence, I think...Why, God? Why?)

Anyway, thanks for all the good things...

("Just remember, the sweet is never as sweet without the sour, and I know the sour." That Earl guy said this in "Vanilla Sky").

So in closing, please bless Ma and Pa, Lasagna and all my pals out there…If you could get Chico a helper monkey who looks a bit like E.T. that would be swell.

Also, thanks for Jennifer Garner on Leno...Gotta go now...I know that things don't look too good for "Alias"...Wow! She's quite pregnant! She's looking pretty good...Rubenesque...She has a glow and her boobs are filling out quite nicely...She seems sweet...Affleck seems like a cool guy in real life...but his movies...not so good...Everything he's done after "Good Will Hunting"...Not so good... (except "Project Greenlight" where he's himself)...Anyway, "Alias" starts up again on Thursday...God, please help it to not suck...(last season's finale...also not so good...but the very last scene was kinda cool...hopefully they can "course correct" ~ not in the business speak sense, but more like a plane that has strayed from its flight path)...This is rumoured to be Garner's last season...Affleck is reported to be considering a future in politics...Good luck to them...

Your Pal,

Zambo.

P.S. She just "accidentally" revealed that they're having a daughter. But you already knew that.

E.T. Model

Greetings People of Earth:

My cousin was looking for an E.T. toy for a birthday cake that she was making for a nephew's birthday...So naturally, she thought of me. I do, in fact, have at least three "cake-worthy" E.T. toys...but they're still packed away somewhere in the basement...(I have the E.T. board game...the game piece of E.T. comes with a ghost sheet shell...not sure of its exact location, but can narrow it down to a 20 foot radius of stacked Rubermaid bins...).

Anyhow, I suggested that I could make one out of FIMO or Sculpti-clay...(You don't have to paint FIMO, so I went with that... ).

I was gonna buy it at lunch or after work from the art supply store down the street from work...But my old pal Mr. Gertz called and was on his way over...So he offered to pick it up for me...That was pretty decent of him, I thought...

So below are a few pix of the process...

I hope you like them....

Wire wrapped in foil for underlying sructure...

First FIMO layer...

Eyes and hands...

E.T.

Different views...

Next to a quarter...

Note popsicle stick furniture in background...
Lasagna made those for another project, but they were the right size for E.T. too...

In a container for transport...

I heard that he made it through the birthday unscathed...That's good to know. The birthday boy is my other cousin's son, who is 2... and he loves E.T. ... He can be heard stating with a serious look on his face, "E.T. died."

I have more news, but I will share it later...(I have to take some pix...)
I scored some awesome toys today! Lasagna dropped me off at a comic book store while she ran some errands. (She had to go to her work...She's a "hostess" at a biker bar...sort of).

So I'll post that stuff in the coming years...

Remember to delouse your merkins regularly, friends.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Someday a real rain will come...

...and wash all this scum off the streets.

Travis Bickle, "Taxi Driver" (1976).

(It hasn't happened yet...)

“…when she gets there she knows if the stores are closed
With a word she can get what she came for.”

Page/Plant, “Stairway to Heaven”

I guess The Oprah finally had a show discussing how she was mistreated at Hermes a while ago…I missed it, but Stern was all over it today. (I did watch The Oprah on Friday…The Topic: Twins and Gender Re-Assignment…How could I not watch?…It was truly fascinating. By the way, “Oprah” is a recognized word in Microsoft Word…Pretty scary…"Schwarzenegger" is too…What the fuck is happening?) Anyway, The Oprah dragged a big cheese from Hermes onto her show so that he could publicly apologize to her on behalf of the ignorant staff at that particular Hermes location… Not to worry though…All Hermes staff has since had sensitivity training…The Oprah also used the phrase “Come Correct” to indicate that his apology was acceptable to The Oprah…her use of this “urban” phrase had the whole Stern staff shocked…Stern made a joke about how he’s never managed to “come correct” in a different context…During this segment, I was torn between laughing like a fucking mongoloid and making a Zellweger face at how sickened I was by The Oprah and it’s actions…(NOTE: “Zellweger” is not recognized by Microsoft Word…). The Oprah stated that she didn’t want to act like a diva…So she just left…then called up the U.S. president of Hermes to resolve this grave injustice... The true victim here is Tina Turner…I hope she got an equally expensive gift from The Oprah…(It was going to buy Ms. Turner a watch...) If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you're probably better off...

(I refer to The Oprah as "it" because The Oprah has become more of an entity than an individual. It's outta control...).

It’s odd that this incident was referred to as … "one of the most humiliating moments of her life"…I think that she was raped and/or molested in the past...I don't see how this event even comes close...She referred to this as her "Crash" moment...They tried to turn it into a race thing...Well, I just don't see it...Once I raced to the Purolator Depot to pick up my (allegedly repaired) Playstation 2 ...it was three minutes before closing time...the piggie inside saw me, but continued doing whatever she was doing...Sure I was hot...super fuckin' pissed, in fact...but what could I do? It wasn't this dumpy twat's fault...I should have arrived earlier (Not a judgement ~ Merely an observation...She was dumpy and she was acting like a twat)... Oh well...(The piece-of-shit Playstation died after about two uses anyway...so it wouldn't really have been worth it to do anything stupid...Unfortunately, this is the only forum that I have...).

I thought I was OK with it, but I guess referring to the Purolator lady as a "dumpy twat" displays a bit of residual rage...Sorry...We've all had stuff like this happen...usually the person will shrug and/or point at their watch and that's not so bad...But DT looked up at me and then totally ignored me...I think she had a Crisco Cookbook under the counter...I think I'm OK now...It should be noted that I have, on several occasions, stayed late to "help out my fellow human" in one capacity or another...

I just peeled out of the parking lot at a very high rate of speed...I was better by the time I got home...I know that Brad Pitt would have gotten his Playstation on that cold dark night...Them's the breaks, I guess...

So at the end of the Oprah/Hermes segment, I heard:
“She’s so fat,” Stern said in a low, almost conspiratorial, tone…”I don’t care what anybody says”…

That really cracked me up...

Your Pal,

Zambo.

UFC Update

Hi Gang.

I just finished watching another episode of UFC:2...The fight was pretty boring. Last week's episode was better. Basically, it's like Big Brother and The Apprentice combined in a way...The teams compete in challenges and then the elimination comes as a result of a mixed martial arts match...So imagine, if you will, that you're learning from your coach (a professional UFC fighter - Matt Hughes in this case) and you're in the middle of fighting some guy when you hear, "Get the right arm in and then rain forearms on his face." That's way cooler on-the-job training than, "When there's not much going on, sweep the floor and check the oil in the deep fryer. Always try to upsell...Ask them to Super-Size or if they want fries with that."

Blue Team coach Matt Hughes (one tough sombitch...tremendous moxy for his size) had a funny quote again this week: "I don't want to hit him with the meat...I wanna get him with the tip..." He's actually referring to striking with your elbow. I guess it's only funny when you're in your living room at 11:05 pm on a Monday night watching these guys train to be the best ass kickers around...while eating baked goods and drinking pop...and writing blog entries...

In other news, be sure to catch "UFC 55: FURY" on October 7...

The main event is a heavy-hitting UFC World heavyweight title fight between current UFC champ Andrei “The Pit Bull” Arlovski and top contender Paul “The Headhunter” Buentello...
Forrest Griffin, Light Heavyweight winner of The Ultimate Fighter™ Season I finale, will battle against Elvis “The King of Rock n Rumble” Sinosic in an exciting undercard match. Sinosic marks a new opponent for Griffin, who was originally slated to fight Ian “The Machine” Freeman before he withdrew due to injury. In another much-anticipated matchup, former UFC Middleweight Champion Evan Tanner will face David “The Crow” Loiseau for an intense mixed martial arts bout.

It should be pretty sweet...I wanted to see how Forrest would handle "The Machine"...I guess it's not gonna happen this time...It should be a good event anyway...Joe Rogan (from "Fear Factor" is a great colour commentator...He is a former martial arts champion...) So that's what I'll be watching on October 7...

Anyway, I'd best be on my way...Conan's a re-run...I'll go to bed after Carson Kressley from "Queer Eye" is done...He's pretty funny...He's joking about Bangkok...for real...

Also, I'm of the opinion that Letterman is having (or has had) an affair with that intern, Vicky...She used to be called "Monty" and he'd get her to dress up in outrageous costumes for comedic purposes...The stuff they've been doing lately where he goes into the audience is fairly funny, but the laughs tend to die down when she does her shtick...not very funny...I'm just guessing about the affair...but it seems like there's something fishy going on...Maybe she's a big wig's daughter or something...

That is all for now.

Try not to home school your children.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Hey Moe!

Beatdogg sent me this pic a while ago and I never got around to posting it...
It's pretty amazing. (The artist is Matt Cioffi - Character Modeler, Lucasfilm Animation, Berkeley, USA. His "Calibos Smoking" is also quite impressive).

(Click on image to see artist's other work and to read comments on his excellent work!)

I can't help but think that perhaps Moe from the previous post is running things Oz-style at the ranch...Maybe he gave the order to have his former owner "taken care of"...Or maybe not...Maybe I'm just anthropomorphizing chimps because I've watched too many cartoons and ape films over the years...I just picture Moe combing his hair while smoking a cigarette...He sees his former family walking over a hill on the horizon, approaching the compound...then he looks at his goons and nods subtly...he slowly walks over to a corner in his cell and puts on a record...Perhaps like the music playing in "Silence of the Lambs" when our pal Hannibal takes those guards apart...He turns it up real loud and closes his eyes as he concucts an imaginary orchestra of chimps and apes...If this were being filmed, we would see the attack from ground level - from the knees of the humans down...The chimps would come into frame and quickly fly up, out of frame...The banana cake would fall to the dirt and the box would open just enough to reveal the words, "Happy Birthday, Moe!"...then blood would fly and perhaps chunks of face and genitals...fade to white...

Anyway, I'd better hit the road.

Take it easy out there.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Chimp Mauling Update!

Hi Gang.

Thanks to Beatdogg, who sent me a link to the article which I have copied below (They tend to not link properly later, so I've pasted the article and reference to where it came from):

( Click on image to see source page)

KNBC-TV—Los Angeles, CA

Man Mauled By Chimps Prepares For More Surgery

KNBC-TV
LOS ANGELES - A West Covina man attacked by two chimpanzees in March was released Tuesday from the hospital.
St. James Davis (pictured [after?] attack, [above]), who was visiting Moe -- a chimp who used to live with Davis and his wife -- at Animal Haven Ranch when two other chimps attacked, returned home Tuesday afternoon.
Davis, 62, underwent a series of surgeries since the attack. In June, doctors took him out of an induced coma and removed his breathing tube to speed his recovery.
"He's come a long way in what I consider to be a very short time," wife LaDonna Davis said Tuesday. "In reality, when this first happened, I thought this would take a lot longer than six months. He has a long way to go.
"Actually, he was over the threshold of dying. Doctors told me to make final arrangements."
While Davis was celebrating Moe's 39th birthday with his wife at Animal Haven Ranch, two other male chimps escaped their cages. They chewed off most of his face, tore off his foot and attacked his limbs and genitals.
LaDonna Davis, 64, also was attacked, but her injuries were not as severe. She visited Loma Linda Medical Center every day.
LaDonna Davis said the bacteria had entered St. James Davis' blood supply. She said he had difficulty getting air to his lungs for more than one week.
The first surgery, which included three teams of three doctors, took about 12 hours, LaDonna Davis said. Davis said her husband will undergo two surgeries next week.
"I would like to thank Loma Linda Hospital, their staff and everyone involved with the care for giving St. James back to me," she said in a statement. "We have been through a lot together, and this hospital has met the challenge to make him the best that he can be. I know there will be a need for future surgeries to give my husband the best quality of life that he can be given.
"We are not finished with our life together, and our affection for each other."
LaDonna Davis said her husband was not sure what happened when he regained consciousness.
"He thought he was in a bombing in San Diego," she said. "He didn't have any short-term memory. It took a while for him to finally catch on to certain aspects." The two chimps, which each weighed more than 130 pounds, were immediately shot and killed.
Moe was not involved in the attack. The adult male, who weighs nearly 170 pounds, was taken from the Davis' home in 1999 after maiming a police officer and biting off part of another woman's finger.
"He still loves Moe," said Gloria Allred, the family's attorney. "Moe, of course, was innocent in all this and had nothing to do with it. We're really happy that St. James is home."

That's all for now.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

It's been a while...

Local Beasts

Below are a few beastly bits that I have encountered in the yard this summer:

You never really hear about the early worm...

This fella was in the front yard when I got home from work one day...

Not sure if this is the same bunny rabbit...
but it was in the back yard one Sunday morning...

This little rascal was one of three moving freely
in the back yard along the fence and near the pool...

When you get this close, you should make sure
that you have all of your shots in order...

I found this leggy super model in my bathroom a few weeks ago...
I let it go outside...so it's probably back in the bathroom...

Which leads me to what happened this morning:

I've been emptying the pool skimmer before work these days due to the higher volume of leaves lately. As I was walking over, I was thinking to myself that I haven't really encountered anything too weird in the skimmer...I was thinking like a mouse or something like that...So I got down there and took the lid off and pulled the skimmer part out...Then I reached for the trap or basket cylinder part...It's harder to pull out because it's so full of leaves and there's suction...So I tried to grab the lip of it to lift it out...and an enormous spider ran up my arm before I even realized what was going on!...I shook it off my arm and yelled an obscenity...I think I yelled, "Holy fuck!" It was huge!...The biggest spider I've ever encountered outside of a pet store...It sat there in a ball for a while...It was probably treading water (like those dogs in New Orleans) or holding on for dear life for quite a while...so I guess it saw my arm as a means of escape and dashed up it...I was startled, but I'm not really afraid of spiders generally...I was going to get the camera to take a picture, but I was running a bit late and it had scurried under the rolled up solar blanket...I thought that it had been through enough...so I let it be...

Several months ago, we realized that there were raccoons in the area. We saw one go up to the pool (still closed at the time) ...it leaned in and began to drink the water gathered on the cover. It was in the day time, so we thought it was a bit odd. We assumed it might have been a pregnant mother because of its size.

Months later, I was swimming at night and I heard some soft squeaking noises. I stood at the edge of where the shallow end leads to the deep end and paused. It was pretty dark, but I did see a rather large raccoon leading others down the steps to the deep end area and it drank a substantial amount of (chlorinated) water...Then it led the little ones away. I couldn't really make out how many others there were because they stayed on the steps (but we've since discovered that they travel in packs of three)...

Anyway, we borrowed a trap from my pops to maybe catch "the raccoon" before we knew how many there were...So one morning, Lasagna woke me up to inform me that we had a beast in our trap...It was a skunk! Luckily, when we borrowed the trap, my pops told me that they had captured a few stinkers in the past...So I did what my mom does and I gave the cute little fellow a cookie while I opened the trap ( a design flaw requires that you have to get right in there to disengage the trigger mechanism). He made his way out and waddled casually towards the back yard...He was really a cute little beast. Reminded me a bit of everyone's favourite date-rapist, Pepe Le Pew, as he strutted away.

We decided to return the trap because my parents needed it more (and we didn't really plan on what we would do once we caught anything)...

Oddly, despite the many local beasts, they didn't do any damage to our garden or flowers...

Oh...and there was a bat inside one of our patio umbrellas that scared the shit out of Lasagna...

Take care out there.

Your Pal,

Zambo.