It's not the heat...It's the sweat...

Hello,

It’s been a while since my last posting…I hope that things are going well…I’ve thought of things that I’d like to discuss, but I just haven’t had a chance to post anything. It’s been “hot as a fuck” lately (to quote the once great Eddie Murphy – It was all downhill after “Raw”, in my opinion…Now he’s making the voice-over money)…

Question: Did you order this heat?
Answer: Fuck yourself!

I’m not really that good with directions or temperatures. I can’t tell you which way is north offhand, but I know landmarks. As for temperatures, my onboard personal heat gauge works as follows:
1) My shirt is dry = it’s not too hot;
2) Pit stains = warm;
3) It looks like I fell into a bog (see swamp ass and magnet balls) = hot as a fuck.


Is there such a thing as pool guilt?

We have a pool and the A/C in the house is working overtime. The pool has been a lot of work to figure out, but on these scorch-ola days, it’s really good to have. (I’m not saying this to brag or to rub it in…or whatever…for anyone who has been stuck to their plastic chair in a wife-beater and boxers, while a fan blows warm air at them…) It’s just that I hate doing yard work, especially when I’m completely covered in sweat and it’s dripping off the brim of my cap as I cut the grass and trim the weeds…So I psyche myself up to do what has to be done, by telling myself (internally) that once I do all my “duties” I’ll reward myself with a refreshing dip in the pool. So the last three weekends in a row, I have fulfilled my manly duties with the yard work…and just as I was about to take the plunge, somebody would show up either unexpectedly or much earlier than expected…so I’d have to stand there like a filthy hobo greeting these people…A pool you say? I shouldn’t complain. Well fuck that! We got the house we wanted. We like our house, and the pool was a major selling point…We have put a lot of work into getting things in order, and now people are just showing up unannounced? The no-call drop in visit is something that I have never been too keen on…(When I lived with my folks, there was a kid in the neighbourhood who used to always just show up on Saturday mornings and want to hang out – I was a kid at the time too…just so that’s clear)…Or the old, “By the way, so-and-so is coming over”…while I’m in the middle of something strenuous and aggravating…But it’s no big deal…Suck it up and all that shit, right?…I guess it’s like when somebody wins the lottery and all these “old friends” come out of the woodwork, so to speak…And there’s this inexplicable feeling of guilt and this neurotic desire to do what’s “right”…Should we invite the neighbours and their kids over for a swim? If we do, will we be setting a bad precedent? Will they just assume that they can drop by any time? So we had some friends and their kids over the other day and we told them not to make too much noise, because it was really hot…and not too many people around here have a pool…so we don’t want to be assholes about it…They were so loud! Splashing and screaming…I was literally cringing, because the one neighbour has been noticeably aloof lately and we haven’t really done anything to him other than open our pool…So the old lady and I discussed it, and agreed that he’s been acting oddly lately (usually, I would be the only one to detect “odd” behaviour…I have many undiagnosed “challenges” I’ve inherited from my dad) …so we thought it would be a nice gesture to invite this fellow and his family over for a swim. He was very polite, but I felt like we were negotiating some sort of peace accord…I told him that we weren’t too sure of the proper etiquette, but we wanted to talk to him alone, so that we wouldn’t put him on the spot in front of his family…He said that was nice of us, but they were on their way to visit a friend and the kids were going to go swimming there…We had a brief discussion about … “if the opportunity presents itself in the future…” blah, blah, blah… I shoulda just hopped the fence in my goggles and a Speedo, with my gut and my balls hanging out, and asked his under-aged daughter if she wanted to come over for a dip…This was truly a “Curb your Enthusiasm” type of awkward moment…He was very nice about it, don’t get me wrong, but it was somewhat uncomfortable…We’ll probably invite the other neighbours too…At times like these I often wonder what would Jesus do…if he actually existed?

More heat-related stuff:

So on Sunday, I cut the grass and used the weed whacker to get the edges (It’s electric, but I got an “Eliminator” from Canadian Tire and do the trimming like vacuuming with a canister vac – which, as a point of interest, is more reliable than the upright, generally speaking…..*There’s an ad for the latest version of the “Eliminator” on TV as I type this…another one of those odd coincidences*…..) So I finished the grass and then helped weed the garden a little…Then I went to the other side of the house and cut down this old dried out bush (it’s true…there’s no joke here)…I used a saw to cut down the various thick branches at the bottom…I cut the bush into smaller pieces for disposal purposes…The whole time, I was covered in sweat…I went through almost two rolls of paper towels…(Sorry Ladies…I’m spoken for…) Then I was offered a frozen Kool-Aid Jammer. It seemed like a nice treat at the time, but ended up being torture. I could only get a little bit at a time...I tried to melt it, at first with my hands, then I tried rubbing it on my head and neck. (Let me know if you would like a more detailed description...) This was soothing, but not really helping to quench my thirst...I could have gone into the house at any time to get another drink, but I became fixated on this sack of blue fluid...So I left it in the sun for a while and continued to work away...Eventually, I managed to suck all the blue off of it and what remained was a small chunk of white ice in this hermetically sealed sack…I cleaned up and put away all my tools…I was about to take the Nestea Plunge when I was told that a friend was coming over with some more rocks for our garden…So after unloading several large bucketfuls of beach stones, we had a few drinks and I finally got to go swimming! I must say that I enjoyed it very much. (I usually use my fins, mask and snorkel and I find it quite soothing…I retrieve quarters or pool toys from the bottom or do laps)… I like to stay underwater for as long as I can before coming up for air…There’s something about the sunlight hitting the water as you're resurfacing that I find appealing…That urge to breathe and pushing yourself to the limit, etc…

So next time a friend is on “E” , lock him in a room with a 1-way mirror and give him a frozen Kool-Aid Jammer…then set up the video camera and pull up a chair…

On a completely unrelated note, remember that band Jackyl? They had that lumberjack song and one called “I Stand Alone”…but they also had a sweet little ditty called “She Loves My Cock”…This one goes out to all the gals out there who’ve had their hearts (among other things) broken…

Anyway, that’s it for now…

‘Til next time…

Your Pal,

Zambo.