It's Halloween!

If you like the Ape-o-Lanterns, click here to see more of the artist's work...
There's some good stuff there.

Talk to you soon.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Boo!

Halloween Is Upon Us

Hi Kids.

Halloween is just around the corner! I have always rather enjoyed it. I’ve got this fascination/fixation with masks…As revealed in an earlier posting, my favourite toys when I was growing up were...

“Maskatron”

and...

“Hugo: Man of a Thousand Faces”

I just have always liked masks for some reason. We all wear masks every day, figuratively speaking…

Anyway, I remember one Halloween when I was a mere slip of a youth and I had three costumes that I wanted to wear. My dad and I decided that it would be a swell idea to go up and down the same long street three times, changing my costume in the car, which would be parked at the end of said street. My dad wanted to go with me, but people would have recognized him and figured out our “trick”…(I realize that ethically, it probably wasn’t the best thing that we could have done, but I thought it was pretty cool of him and we had a good story to tell). I almost forgot about that story until I saw Conan interviewing John Leguizamo last week, (I think ~ it’s all a blur)...anyhow, he told a similar story about going to the same places dressed in different costumes…he was with his buddies…and it was like last year or something…

Attack of the Six Foot Pumpkin

So, Lasagna and I bought a 6’ Jack-o-lantern that we put in the front yard. Last night at about midnight, I was watching “Cat’s Eye” on TV and I heard voices coming from the front yard. I muted the TV and looked through the blinds to see what was going on. There were five teenagers gathered around Jack-o…I went outside and they said they thought it was pretty cool…They asked if it was OK that they were on our lawn...I said that was fine and went back inside…I thought maybe there was going to be trouble for a second and my heart started to beat faster as I opened the front door…but they seemed like OK kids and they meant no harm…They were just curious…When I came back in, I was reminded of when I used to work at a go-cart track for a few summers when I was in high school…(Cue the flashback music and the blurred fade)...The owner and staff would tell me horror stories of how it used to be…People would be on drugs or drunk and try to wreck the place…The owner told me that he eventually had to hire bikers to watch the track, working in the field with baseball bats wrapped in barbed wire…They still operated with that mentality, even though things were pretty tame…Perhaps some of the staff wanted something to happen, so they could “fuck somebody up”…Things never really got too out of hand while I worked there though…I had to “subdue” a guy once, but that was about the extent of physical confrontation…Occasionally, there would be conflict that was easily defused through discussion or by giving the occasional free lap or two to somebody. So this one woman I worked with would count laps with her clipboard in a chair mounted on a giant tractor tire near the track while she worked on her tan…A kid was intentionally fish-tailing the go-cart around every corner and she kept yelling at him to stop it…So she jumped out of her chair and went after the kid with her clipboard…He almost ran her over (because he had no actual experience driving and couldn’t get to the brake under pressure/attack). Reacting the way she had been conditioned to when people broke the rules, I thought she was going to kill him…My point...I think...is that if strangers were on her lawn, she would probably have gone out her front door cocking a shotgun, yelling “GET THE FUCK OFF MY PROPERTY!!!”…She was funny. A truly nice person…if you were on her side. We would discuss a lot of issues and it was interesting to get her perspective. She had been through the school of hard knocks and wasn’t going to take any more shit…from anyone. I enjoyed messing with her sometimes, saying it was her right to be absolutely wrong. Her daughter once asked me if I was on drugs because I smiled all the time (I wasn’t)…meanwhile what she didn’t realized was that her mom was doing “hot-knives” in the garage with a blowtorch while she was asking me that…Ah, the good old days…(This thought went through my mind in what seemed like a second, but it took so much longer to write it out...Sorry).

When I looked outside again, the kids were gone. Leaving something like that in the yard makes me nervous, because it’s just begging to be vandalized…We live in a pretty good neighbourhood, but I never trust anything 100%…

In other news

George Takei has announced: “I’m gay!”
To which my only reasonable response can be “No shit.”

Hey, if you haven’t checked Howard Stern’s site in a while, they have added a new intro which cracked me up. Make sure you have your speakers on...I’m immature, but responsible. What can you do?

This morning I got to see Green Day’s new video for “Jesus of Suburbia” ~ a 9 minute song. It was pretty good. I’m not a fan of censorship though. I can understand it with swearing, I guess…but the line “Doing someone else’s cocaine” had the word “cocaine” removed…(Kanye West’s “Gold Digger” video was on next and it was all censored too…Then I watched “The Bugs Bunny and Tweety Show”…Sadly, it too was censored…I wonder if all this censorship is helping kids to grow into better people…we’ll see). I am looking forward to “Bullet In A Bible” (See earlier post for trailer)…It should be good. I downloaded a few clips the other day. My only concern about the band is how are they going to top this successful album in the future? I hope they can keep up the good work. (That “immature, but responsible” line is actually something singer Billie Joe once said in an interview…I’m not sure why I remember stuff like that, but I do…).

Immature...

Responsible...

Lasagna’s been away for the week, so I have to take care of stuff…Everything’s been pretty good so far. I have to take care of this guy:

Lasagna's friend brought him home for her kids, who liked him, but it turns out that her husband is allergic…So now we’re the proud owners of this meatball. He’s cute, but not too dynamic...and he shits a lot...

Pet care is a lot of work...Remember Mark Anthony and the cute kitten in "Feed the Kitty"? That's one of my favourites...It's amazing to me that it was made in 1952!

This is for my new pal S*, who asked:

“What's up with the monkey fixation?”

The short answer is: I've got issues...major ones.

If you would like a more involved answer, I guess it stems from the notion that we are all descendants of apes...whether you believe in that notion or not...and we can learn a lot about human behaviour through them...

The first "Planet of the Apes" film was ground-breaking in terms of the science-fiction genre and the series as a whole presents socio-political commentaries on the events that were taking place at the time each film was made...

The documentary that comes with the box-set (“Behind The Planet of the Apes” 1998) discusses this and there's also a book entitled "Planet of the Apes as American Myth: Race, Politics, and Popular Culture" by Eric Greene, (which I have recently ordered)…Reviews of the book are largely favourable and suggest that it provides an interesting and original analysis of the film series...“a politically-minded scholar's insight that helps lift the series from trivia into concrete seriousness” as one review states.

Also, chimps are funny when they're dressed up to look and act like people...and voice-overs are added to scenes of them chewing on something…But sometimes we forget that they are wild and extremely powerful animals because they seem so gentle and human. So it's interesting when you hear about chimps attacking humans (who contribute to demeaning them in such ways).

I also feel sorry for gorillas...sure there's that "Gorillas in the Mist" factor...but also because they are so big and powerful, yet they have such small penises relative to their body size…hence the chest pounding and the amazing, yet understandable, rage. (Warning: this link discusses, and displays images of, penises. Anyway, scroll down to “Size” if you’re up for it and gorilla size is mentioned...chimp too). Perhaps one can better understand human males with small penises by studying the gorilla...For instance, a lot of bar fights can be avoided if eye contact is not made with the lumbering oaf at the bar...maybe...

Also, if you haven't seen this clip of Charlie, the ass-kicking chimp, before...it's another good reason to like apes...If only their strength and agility could be controlled by a sound, enlightened mind, they'd be unstoppable...(insert mad scientist's laughter here)...

I hope that was a satisfactory answer to you query, S*.

I also hope that everybody has a safe and enjoyable Halloween if we don't communicate in the meantime.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Is This Thing On?

If a person writes a blog entry...and no one comments...is anyone reading it?
I guess it matters. But I suppose it shouldn't...Feedback is good from time to time...I almost miss the anonymous spam ad comments...(Not really)...

If anyone cared, they might suggest that I get one of those counter things on this rig...Nah... My checking every few minutes, (like a homely girl on a Saturday night checking that the phone is still working) would throw off the readings...

Ever notice that when someone tells you that you'll really like somebody, that you usually end up hating that person? Your friend is all, "You'll really like (name)...He reminds me of you...He's so funny...He'd give you a run for your money"...Meanwhile in your head you're all, "Yeah, right...whatever..." Then you meet the person at some function and he's pretty lame and unfunny...Then you're thinking, is this how my friend sees me? So then you have to fight your friend and new guy tries to step in...you fake punch him in the gut and when he bends forward you drive the knee into his face, then give him a smiley on the curb...Your friend tells you that you're an awesome ass-kicker and that you're way funnier than twitchy on the ground...You're friends again and you go to the 24-hour all-you-can-eat pancake house and shoot the shit 'til morning...

Hey...have you also noticed how some people have always have a connection who could get you something cheaper...after you've purchased something? It's like when we first got our house and we got the satellite stuff all hooked up...it seemed like everybody who visited us "knew a guy" who could get us a cheater card thing...(But it's wrong to steal satellite signals, kids...).
Then, whenever we buy something for the house, people will ask, "How much did you pay for that?" In my head I'm saying "Who the fuck are you again?" But you gotta keep it civilized and so you tell the guy...Then he suddenly "knows a guy" who could have gotten it cheaper..."Why didn't you ask me...I could have gotten it cheaper?"...I didn't realize I was supposed to consult with this guy every time I went to the store...So now I have him on speed-dial...As it turns out, his connections can't really help me out until after I've made a purchase...

Whenever I think that one person can make a difference, all I have to do is use a public rest room. What the fuck is wrong with some people? Surely if you don't know how to piss into a toilet, you shouldn't be employable...or somebody's parent...Maybe some guys try to get their exercise in while they urinate and do jumping-jacks as they relieve themselves...Maybe they're marking their territory, like Jack Nicholson in "Wolf"...I don't know...

So this guy named Charlie Rocket killed himself the other day. Never heard of him? Well that's probably why he slit his own throat in a field...Poor bastard...I feel kinda bad for him. I've seen him in movies, but never knew him by name...We can learn from this, I suppose. He had a moment in the spolight but it has eluded him ever since...We can change our destinies...He's worm meat...If you're religious, then you might believe he's in hell...If you're into Sartre, then you might believe that "Hell is other people"...in which case you might take your own life in a field...It's sort of a cyclical...

I've been thinking about my own mortality lately...I think I'm at the age, where everything from this point forward is gravy...I could go at any time, without warning...It's like when you hear about a guy dropping dead shovelling the snow in his driveway...Sometimes I wonder if the next sneeze will do me in...It takes me longer to rest than it does to get tired...When I first hear that line, it made me laugh...now it's the awful truth...Whenever someone would complain about back pain, I would think that this person was weak ~ a pussy, if you will...But let me tell you...when you get it, there's not much you can do and it hurts like you wouldn't believe...And it usually strikes from something that you wouldn't normally associate with a back injury: like putting a book on a shelf, or sleeping, or sitting, then standing up, or putting your shoes on...(I guess proper exercise and diet play a factor...) All I can say is thanks to the fine folks at Robax for their over-the-couter wonder drug. Anyway, I don't think I'd ever take my own life, but if I did, I'd do it in style...(especially if my stage name was "Rocket")...I think I'd pack a vehicle with explosives and drive it full speed off a deserted cliff, into the sun...then detonate...There should be enough explosive force to not leave any trace of me behind, but not enough to disrupt the ecosystem...(I don't know if it's possible...)...Or maybe you strap yourself with C4 and jump out of a plane over the ocean...This is only if you absolutely must end it, of course...Stay in school and don't do drugs, etc....Don't kill yourself...and I won't either...

Anyway, I've been trying to be more positive lately...but it didn't take...I'm sure that everything will work out...or it won't...one thing's for sure: I gotta go now...

Your Pal,

Zambo.

Kong Poster

It's Thanksgiving here in Canada...Enjoy your get-togethers and the grub, folks!

Below is a new King Kong poster that was posted on What Would Tyler Durden Do?

Hey, what the hell is up with Carrot Top? Remember when he was a scrawny prop-comic?

How ya like him now, bi-atch? Creepy, huh? Also, what the fuck's up with his eyebrows?

From The Superficial website's archives...Thursday, August 18, 2005...Thanks to Beatdogg for the link...

Holy shit, that's creepy...

BULLET IN A BIBLE

In other news, check out the trailer for Green Day's upcoming DVD/CD, Bullet In A Bible in stores November 14 & 15. The film will also be available for the PSP and other digital formats...if you're interested...

Low Resolution
Better
Even Better
Best
Quicktime Trailer

That's it for now.

Your Pal,

Zambo.

I just don't know anymore...

Let's skip the formalities, shall we?

This blog is a bit of a mess...I can't help but think of R. Crumb's brother Charles and how his comic strips eventually turned into gigantic text bubbles taking over the cells...he was unravelling, on paper...

Recently, I encountered a twenty-something gal who ~ though cool otherwise and really cute~ didn’t believe in evolution…and a little boy who didn’t like chocolate…I still get online petitions, despite their obvious pointlessness…I even still get those “I don’t usually do this type of thing” [reminiscent of tedious, sticky fumblings in the backs of cars] messages where the idea is: the more people you bother with this message, the more money will be sent to you by so-and-so…Why don’t people think before they blindly forward these things? I also get a lot of unsolicited messages about products that are guaranteed to enlarge my penis…Frankly, I’ve got enough problems…I don’t know that penis enlargement is going to solve any of them…
Although the thought of an erection diverting so much blood from my brain that it renders me unconscious seems pretty funny…(Now it just leads me to do irrational things).

Here’s something to ponder:
When a woman sits on your lap...let's say a sexy woman, (who’s not related to you)...but you are both involved with other partners...what's the erection etiquette here? Basically, I'm wondering when a hot chick sits on a guy's lap, is it more offensive to her if he gets hard or if he doesn't? It seems like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type of situation...Think about it...If you get rock hard, she's gonna feel it...but she could be offended that you're "taking advantage" of her trust and friendship...Maybe she has fucked up taste and doesn't think of you like that...even though you're a total stud...OR...If she mounts up and you don't get a boner...Is she offended because you apparently don't think of her sexually?...If you're not impotent, it's hard...difficult…to not get...aroused...I often try to reflect upon my inevitable and solitary death...or the worst things that have ever happened to me...'cause I'm what could be categorized as "a reluctant gentleman"...I think about doing "the wrong thing" a lot, but I consider the consequences...then I usually end up doing "the right thing"...(There have been many times that I've done "the wrong thing" in the past...I'm not really proud of that, but what's done is done...)

Once, this really hot girl I know sat directly on my junk with her back to me...If we were in the wild, there would have been all kinds of Discovery Channel-type stuff to follow...but, we're supposedly civilized...so I tried my best to redirect the blood flow...Luckily a lot of her body weight was right on my dong, so that helped/hindered...I know that she wouldn't have objected to my arousal, but I just felt awkward...We were in a public place and her dude was sitting right across from us...Anyway, I told her that I couldn't see her pretty face...Her reply, "Too bad"…But enough about that story…The folks here at the library are wondering why I’m getting all worked up as I type this…I should put my pants back on, I guess…
***
I’m beginning to realize that “real life” is a lot like group work in school. You’ve got some people who actually care and have pride and want to do the best job possible…so they take on the majority of the work…Then you’ve got the people who mean well, but basically they’re just using up valuable oxygen…nice, but useless…then you’ve got those who don’t care and don’t do anything to contribute, but get the same grade as the rest of the group…
***
My New Year’s resolution for several years has been, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”…I usually go back to my old ways by the 5th …That’s just my nature…It takes effort for me to knowingly do something “wrong” or “unfair” and I usually feel bad right after…There have been a lot of stories in the news lately about young ladies being abducted and killed…(Not a lot, really, but more than usual for around here). Anyway, I wonder how these guys can live with themselves…I feel guilty if I’m under-billed for my groceries…Or if I’m not charged for my drink at a restaurant…How could a person go on with everyday stuff, knowing that they’ve killed someone and buried them somewhere? I guess that’s why we’re so fascinated by “serial killers”…We think Hannibal Lector is charming and entertaining...until he moves into our neighbourhood…
***
The Oprah

Yesterday…we got to spend some time with Sarah Jessica Parker, Orlando Bloom and Matthew Fox…

Sarah Jessica Parker
She’s 40-something and looks pretty hot…all things considered…(I think her unfortunate outfit choices in “Sex & The City” made me want to dislike her…But she seems OK…in a spoiled celeb sort of way)…
She forbids the use of the word “fat” in her house…The crowd goes nuts…
She wants to have another baby…She misses giving birth...The Oprah makes a face and every one laughs…
She has a new fragrance called “Lovely”…The Oprah approved, so the masses should purchase it…Go now!
She bought The Oprah shoes (Some women love shoes…I don’t get it…Men tend to like electronic gadgets…but gadgets are functional…The shoes many women long for seem to emphasize form over function and look really uncomfortable…If I had the choice between an electronic gadget and a pair of useless, but “fantastic” ~or is it “fun-tastic”? ~ shoes, I’d have to go with the gadget 99% of the time…)

Orlando Bloom
…from the moment he walked out and greeted the crazed fans and The Oprah herself with his contrived humility…to his Pirate look…Ah…he grew up dadless…he’s “sensitive and respectful of women”…The crowd Ahhhs…because he was raised by two strong women…Johnny Depp’s depth…the crowd laughs…The Oprah repeats it a few times…the laughter is unstoppable…and finally the question we’ve all been waiting for: Is Orlando available? He takes a sip of water…Sorry, fellas…he’s dating somebody…he didn’t mention his name though…Oh…it’s Kate Bosworth…shit…This guy might not be so lame after all…

Preview of future shows: Uma will be on Oprah! (That was Letterman’s joke)…Picking up the pieces…Friday…

Back to Orlando Bloom: He took us to his fav places in Louisville, Kentucky…where he was working on his new film, “Elizabethtown”…He showed us Churchill Downs and a leather store…He bought The Oprah leashes for her three new puppies…I’m sure she walks them herself…

The most rewarding thing about doing something charitable is to have a camera crew follow you around as you do it…Bloom visited some Katrina survivors and gave them each $5000 gift certificates from Guess…

Monday’s show: Ricky Martin’s big comeback!!! He stepped away from the mic…Find out why…I can’t wait…Plus, Reese Witherspoon blah, blah, blah…

Next, hunky Matthew Fox, 39, husband, father of two…6 Emmys…Best show “Lost”…After watching an episode, people have no idea what’s gonna happen next and they can’t wait to see…Like “Joey”…or crack…

Hockey season begins tonight…Winnipeg got some snow today…

Back to Matthew Fox: He has to stay in Hawaii for filming “LOST”…I guess it’s one of those necessary evils that come with certain jobs…Poor Matthew…He showed us his favourite places to hang out and eat and to ride his horse “Flash”…His gift to The Oprah was chocolate covered macadamia nuts…

I thought it sucked driving an hour to and from work each day…but poor Matthew Fox has to live in Hawaii while filming “LOST” (the Emmy award winning, career-resuscitating, must-see hit TV show…) alongside the hideous Evangeline Lilly…How does he find the strength to lug himself out of bed in the morning? It must suck riding a horse in lush meadows on a beautiful island paradise…

Usher mailed in his interview on tape…his favourite place to advertise provided cake for the audience…

The audience members each received a bottle of SJP’s fragrance, a can of Matthew Fox’s nuts and a piece of Usher’s cake…

Isn’t it odd how rich people get stuff on-the-house though? The Oprah usually gets gifts from celebrity guests…’cause they’re friends too…But with stuff like dinner at restaurants, regular people have to wait...and then pay full price, but celebs are seated right away and are often given free stuff…
***
It’s getting late…Whenever I type directly into the Blogger template, something usually fucks up and I have to start over…So I’m re-doing this shit in Word and I’m running out of steam and patience…
***
I watched some of the hockey season opener last night…The Toronto Maple Leafs…If you let them, they’ll let you down almost every time…They were winning twice…then they ended up losing 3-2 to Ottawa in a shoot-out…I’ve kinda lost interest in organized sports in recent years..
***
Apprentice: Martha Stewart…a guy missed the birth of his daughter so that he could be on the show…“Sorry, honey…I was too busy being a scumbag on national television to witness your birth”…Cut to her eventual working this out in therapy...When she's old enough to be on her own reality show...
***
I’ve been considering bulimia lately…I can’t seem to muster up the strength or motivation to work out any more…For a while I was beating on the heavy bag in the basement (not a euphemism)…but as with most relationships built around violence, I now go down there with a beer and take down the heavy bag and just hang out with it…We’re good friends now…Anyway, with bulimia, I could eat as much of anything I want and then just puke it out…like the Romans did…A side effect that could result from excessive vomiting is that my throat could become as raw as Madonna’s vaginal walls were in the ‘80s…Also, I’d be paying for food and then not really processing it properly…There are other cons to the binge and purge regimen…I think about getting into bodybuilding sometimes too…but I’m not gonna do that either…
***
Today The Oprah had the cast from “Crash” do a panel discussion on racially charged stuff…I missed the beginning, but I did get to see The Oprah constantly interrupt Don Cheadle as he was trying to convey what seemed like intelligent, well-though-out points…It was quite annoying the way it tried to dominate the conversation…I was getting angry…They were talking about “the N-word” and how calling it that gives it more power…Cheadle was trying to explain that when black people use the word amongst themselves, they are sort of taking the hateful word and removing some of its bite…his points were constantly cut off though…I’m sure if you sent away for the transcript, it would piss you off too…The Oprah needed to emphasize how much it hates the word…but that it’s OK for the panelist to have their own views about it…
***
The Apprentice tonight told us that a good leader should get the group “jazzed”…
***
I was kinda all over the place with this post…I offer no real excuse…

I had better wrap this up…

Remember, though our excesses may kill us, they make our lives worth living…(I have written this on a scrap of paper, but don’t recall the source…That "Kitchen Confidential" show, I think...)

Your Pal,

Zambo.

P.S. U2 is on Conan tonight...I would hope that they would let Triumph have at them, but I'm sure it will be "safe"...They wouldn't want to upset a potential Nobel Peace Prize recipient...I don't like Bono for various reasons...The elaborate sunglasses don't help matters any...In the pilot episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Larry David indicates that two types of people wear sunglasses indoors: The blind, and assholes...You decide...I can't believe that Joey Ramone's alleged deathbed request was to listen to a U2 song...These are sad times...Soon all our heroes will be dead...and making absurd requests just beforehand...

Good night, and good luck…

"I'm too old for this shit!"

Remember when Murtaugh said that in "Lethal Weapon"?
I'm starting to understand where he was coming from...He was in way better shape than I am... He was really 41 at the time – playing a guy about to retire...I should focus on the positive though...At least I can catch a cab when I need to, I guess...Poor Danny Glover...

So I stayed up late watching Ultimate Fighter stuff last night. Needless to say, today was not as much fun as usual. In my glory days, I used to pull all-nighters and then go out drinking, etc.
Now, I grow weaker with each passing moment...The UFC action was on Spike TV. There were some live matches from 9-11 pm...I'm not gonna give you a play-by-play, but David "The Crow" Loiseau was awesome again! He's got devastating elbows and quick feet...Evan Tanner's face got rocked hard...again...

Loiseau winning (a different fight)

Evan Tanner (with corn rows for some reason) getting his face turned into a deli tray by Rich Franklin...

He didn't look much better last night...

So then the Ulimate Fighter show was on from 11-12...A big dude named Seth fought a 6'8" behemoth named Dan...Seth won, but it wasn't a real crowd-pleasing victory...I think Dan had a case of "big-guy-itis", thinking that being a giant would get him through...Dan was wrong...

Then I watched "Prison Break" from 12-1...Pretty stupid, huh? I guess I figured that people who watch it might tell me what happened...It's a pretty good show, but I don't know where they're gonna take it once they break out...It's entertaining...

You know how some people have these clever taglines on the signature of their e-mail messages to illustrate how clever or well-read they believe themselves to be? Often they will add a middle initial and/or a designation after their name to further emphasize their importance or to distract from their inadequacies...I don't mind it that much, and sometimes the quotes are cool...But it bothers me when they can't spell, form a complete sentence or convey what they want clearly...

This would be a good one:

"Sometimes I feel like I'm a match and I want nothing more than to be struck so I can burn like a motherfucker."

Henry Rollins

Anyway, I'm going home now.

Your Pal,



"You are not your job. You are not how much you have in the bank. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not your khakis. You are not a beautiful and unique snowflake...The things you own end up owning you. It's only after you've lost everything that you're free to do anything. Fight Club represents that kind of freedom."

Fight Club

(The only club I'd ever consider joining...if I wasn't so scared of everything).