I just don't know anymore...
Let's skip the formalities, shall we?
This blog is a bit of a mess...I can't help but think of R. Crumb's brother Charles and how his comic strips eventually turned into gigantic text bubbles taking over the cells...he was unravelling, on paper...
Recently, I encountered a twenty-something gal who ~ though cool otherwise and really cute~ didn’t believe in evolution…and a little boy who didn’t like chocolate…I still get online petitions, despite their obvious pointlessness…I even still get those “I don’t usually do this type of thing” [reminiscent of tedious, sticky fumblings in the backs of cars] messages where the idea is: the more people you bother with this message, the more money will be sent to you by so-and-so…Why don’t people think before they blindly forward these things? I also get a lot of unsolicited messages about products that are guaranteed to enlarge my penis…Frankly, I’ve got enough problems…I don’t know that penis enlargement is going to solve any of them…
Although the thought of an erection diverting so much blood from my brain that it renders me unconscious seems pretty funny…(Now it just leads me to do irrational things).
Here’s something to ponder:
When a woman sits on your lap...let's say a sexy woman, (who’s not related to you)...but you are both involved with other partners...what's the erection etiquette here? Basically, I'm wondering when a hot chick sits on a guy's lap, is it more offensive to her if he gets hard or if he doesn't? It seems like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type of situation...Think about it...If you get rock hard, she's gonna feel it...but she could be offended that you're "taking advantage" of her trust and friendship...Maybe she has fucked up taste and doesn't think of you like that...even though you're a total stud...OR...If she mounts up and you don't get a boner...Is she offended because you apparently don't think of her sexually?...If you're not impotent, it's hard...difficult…to not get...aroused...I often try to reflect upon my inevitable and solitary death...or the worst things that have ever happened to me...'cause I'm what could be categorized as "a reluctant gentleman"...I think about doing "the wrong thing" a lot, but I consider the consequences...then I usually end up doing "the right thing"...(There have been many times that I've done "the wrong thing" in the past...I'm not really proud of that, but what's done is done...)
Once, this really hot girl I know sat directly on my junk with her back to me...If we were in the wild, there would have been all kinds of Discovery Channel-type stuff to follow...but, we're supposedly civilized...so I tried my best to redirect the blood flow...Luckily a lot of her body weight was right on my dong, so that helped/hindered...I know that she wouldn't have objected to my arousal, but I just felt awkward...We were in a public place and her dude was sitting right across from us...Anyway, I told her that I couldn't see her pretty face...Her reply, "Too bad"…But enough about that story…The folks here at the library are wondering why I’m getting all worked up as I type this…I should put my pants back on, I guess…
***
I’m beginning to realize that “real life” is a lot like group work in school. You’ve got some people who actually care and have pride and want to do the best job possible…so they take on the majority of the work…Then you’ve got the people who mean well, but basically they’re just using up valuable oxygen…nice, but useless…then you’ve got those who don’t care and don’t do anything to contribute, but get the same grade as the rest of the group…
***
My New Year’s resolution for several years has been, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”…I usually go back to my old ways by the 5th …That’s just my nature…It takes effort for me to knowingly do something “wrong” or “unfair” and I usually feel bad right after…There have been a lot of stories in the news lately about young ladies being abducted and killed…(Not a lot, really, but more than usual for around here). Anyway, I wonder how these guys can live with themselves…I feel guilty if I’m under-billed for my groceries…Or if I’m not charged for my drink at a restaurant…How could a person go on with everyday stuff, knowing that they’ve killed someone and buried them somewhere? I guess that’s why we’re so fascinated by “serial killers”…We think Hannibal Lector is charming and entertaining...until he moves into our neighbourhood…
***
The Oprah
Yesterday…we got to spend some time with Sarah Jessica Parker, Orlando Bloom and Matthew Fox…
Sarah Jessica Parker
She’s 40-something and looks pretty hot…all things considered…(I think her unfortunate outfit choices in “Sex & The City” made me want to dislike her…But she seems OK…in a spoiled celeb sort of way)…
She forbids the use of the word “fat” in her house…The crowd goes nuts…
She wants to have another baby…She misses giving birth...The Oprah makes a face and every one laughs…
She has a new fragrance called “Lovely”…The Oprah approved, so the masses should purchase it…Go now!
She bought The Oprah shoes (Some women love shoes…I don’t get it…Men tend to like electronic gadgets…but gadgets are functional…The shoes many women long for seem to emphasize form over function and look really uncomfortable…If I had the choice between an electronic gadget and a pair of useless, but “fantastic” ~or is it “fun-tastic”? ~ shoes, I’d have to go with the gadget 99% of the time…)
Orlando Bloom
…from the moment he walked out and greeted the crazed fans and The Oprah herself with his contrived humility…to his Pirate look…Ah…he grew up dadless…he’s “sensitive and respectful of women”…The crowd Ahhhs…because he was raised by two strong women…Johnny Depp’s depth…the crowd laughs…The Oprah repeats it a few times…the laughter is unstoppable…and finally the question we’ve all been waiting for: Is Orlando available? He takes a sip of water…Sorry, fellas…he’s dating somebody…he didn’t mention his name though…Oh…it’s Kate Bosworth…shit…This guy might not be so lame after all…
Preview of future shows: Uma will be on Oprah! (That was Letterman’s joke)…Picking up the pieces…Friday…
Back to Orlando Bloom: He took us to his fav places in Louisville, Kentucky…where he was working on his new film, “Elizabethtown”…He showed us Churchill Downs and a leather store…He bought The Oprah leashes for her three new puppies…I’m sure she walks them herself…
The most rewarding thing about doing something charitable is to have a camera crew follow you around as you do it…Bloom visited some Katrina survivors and gave them each $5000 gift certificates from Guess…
Monday’s show: Ricky Martin’s big comeback!!! He stepped away from the mic…Find out why…I can’t wait…Plus, Reese Witherspoon blah, blah, blah…
Next, hunky Matthew Fox, 39, husband, father of two…6 Emmys…Best show “Lost”…After watching an episode, people have no idea what’s gonna happen next and they can’t wait to see…Like “Joey”…or crack…
Hockey season begins tonight…Winnipeg got some snow today…
Back to Matthew Fox: He has to stay in Hawaii for filming “LOST”…I guess it’s one of those necessary evils that come with certain jobs…Poor Matthew…He showed us his favourite places to hang out and eat and to ride his horse “Flash”…His gift to The Oprah was chocolate covered macadamia nuts…
I thought it sucked driving an hour to and from work each day…but poor Matthew Fox has to live in Hawaii while filming “LOST” (the Emmy award winning, career-resuscitating, must-see hit TV show…) alongside the hideous Evangeline Lilly…How does he find the strength to lug himself out of bed in the morning? It must suck riding a horse in lush meadows on a beautiful island paradise…
Usher mailed in his interview on tape…his favourite place to advertise provided cake for the audience…
The audience members each received a bottle of SJP’s fragrance, a can of Matthew Fox’s nuts and a piece of Usher’s cake…
Isn’t it odd how rich people get stuff on-the-house though? The Oprah usually gets gifts from celebrity guests…’cause they’re friends too…But with stuff like dinner at restaurants, regular people have to wait...and then pay full price, but celebs are seated right away and are often given free stuff…
***
It’s getting late…Whenever I type directly into the Blogger template, something usually fucks up and I have to start over…So I’m re-doing this shit in Word and I’m running out of steam and patience…
***
I watched some of the hockey season opener last night…The Toronto Maple Leafs…If you let them, they’ll let you down almost every time…They were winning twice…then they ended up losing 3-2 to Ottawa in a shoot-out…I’ve kinda lost interest in organized sports in recent years..
***
Apprentice: Martha Stewart…a guy missed the birth of his daughter so that he could be on the show…“Sorry, honey…I was too busy being a scumbag on national television to witness your birth”…Cut to her eventual working this out in therapy...When she's old enough to be on her own reality show...
***
I’ve been considering bulimia lately…I can’t seem to muster up the strength or motivation to work out any more…For a while I was beating on the heavy bag in the basement (not a euphemism)…but as with most relationships built around violence, I now go down there with a beer and take down the heavy bag and just hang out with it…We’re good friends now…Anyway, with bulimia, I could eat as much of anything I want and then just puke it out…like the Romans did…A side effect that could result from excessive vomiting is that my throat could become as raw as Madonna’s vaginal walls were in the ‘80s…Also, I’d be paying for food and then not really processing it properly…There are other cons to the binge and purge regimen…I think about getting into bodybuilding sometimes too…but I’m not gonna do that either…
***
Today The Oprah had the cast from “Crash” do a panel discussion on racially charged stuff…I missed the beginning, but I did get to see The Oprah constantly interrupt Don Cheadle as he was trying to convey what seemed like intelligent, well-though-out points…It was quite annoying the way it tried to dominate the conversation…I was getting angry…They were talking about “the N-word” and how calling it that gives it more power…Cheadle was trying to explain that when black people use the word amongst themselves, they are sort of taking the hateful word and removing some of its bite…his points were constantly cut off though…I’m sure if you sent away for the transcript, it would piss you off too…The Oprah needed to emphasize how much it hates the word…but that it’s OK for the panelist to have their own views about it…
***
The Apprentice tonight told us that a good leader should get the group “jazzed”…
***
I was kinda all over the place with this post…I offer no real excuse…
I had better wrap this up…
Remember, though our excesses may kill us, they make our lives worth living…(I have written this on a scrap of paper, but don’t recall the source…That "Kitchen Confidential" show, I think...)
Your Pal,
Zambo.
P.S. U2 is on Conan tonight...I would hope that they would let Triumph have at them, but I'm sure it will be "safe"...They wouldn't want to upset a potential Nobel Peace Prize recipient...I don't like Bono for various reasons...The elaborate sunglasses don't help matters any...In the pilot episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Larry David indicates that two types of people wear sunglasses indoors: The blind, and assholes...You decide...I can't believe that Joey Ramone's alleged deathbed request was to listen to a U2 song...These are sad times...Soon all our heroes will be dead...and making absurd requests just beforehand...
Good night, and good luck…
This blog is a bit of a mess...I can't help but think of R. Crumb's brother Charles and how his comic strips eventually turned into gigantic text bubbles taking over the cells...he was unravelling, on paper...
Recently, I encountered a twenty-something gal who ~ though cool otherwise and really cute~ didn’t believe in evolution…and a little boy who didn’t like chocolate…I still get online petitions, despite their obvious pointlessness…I even still get those “I don’t usually do this type of thing” [reminiscent of tedious, sticky fumblings in the backs of cars] messages where the idea is: the more people you bother with this message, the more money will be sent to you by so-and-so…Why don’t people think before they blindly forward these things? I also get a lot of unsolicited messages about products that are guaranteed to enlarge my penis…Frankly, I’ve got enough problems…I don’t know that penis enlargement is going to solve any of them…
Although the thought of an erection diverting so much blood from my brain that it renders me unconscious seems pretty funny…(Now it just leads me to do irrational things).
Here’s something to ponder:
When a woman sits on your lap...let's say a sexy woman, (who’s not related to you)...but you are both involved with other partners...what's the erection etiquette here? Basically, I'm wondering when a hot chick sits on a guy's lap, is it more offensive to her if he gets hard or if he doesn't? It seems like a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" type of situation...Think about it...If you get rock hard, she's gonna feel it...but she could be offended that you're "taking advantage" of her trust and friendship...Maybe she has fucked up taste and doesn't think of you like that...even though you're a total stud...OR...If she mounts up and you don't get a boner...Is she offended because you apparently don't think of her sexually?...If you're not impotent, it's hard...difficult…to not get...aroused...I often try to reflect upon my inevitable and solitary death...or the worst things that have ever happened to me...'cause I'm what could be categorized as "a reluctant gentleman"...I think about doing "the wrong thing" a lot, but I consider the consequences...then I usually end up doing "the right thing"...(There have been many times that I've done "the wrong thing" in the past...I'm not really proud of that, but what's done is done...)
Once, this really hot girl I know sat directly on my junk with her back to me...If we were in the wild, there would have been all kinds of Discovery Channel-type stuff to follow...but, we're supposedly civilized...so I tried my best to redirect the blood flow...Luckily a lot of her body weight was right on my dong, so that helped/hindered...I know that she wouldn't have objected to my arousal, but I just felt awkward...We were in a public place and her dude was sitting right across from us...Anyway, I told her that I couldn't see her pretty face...Her reply, "Too bad"…But enough about that story…The folks here at the library are wondering why I’m getting all worked up as I type this…I should put my pants back on, I guess…
***
I’m beginning to realize that “real life” is a lot like group work in school. You’ve got some people who actually care and have pride and want to do the best job possible…so they take on the majority of the work…Then you’ve got the people who mean well, but basically they’re just using up valuable oxygen…nice, but useless…then you’ve got those who don’t care and don’t do anything to contribute, but get the same grade as the rest of the group…
***
My New Year’s resolution for several years has been, “No more Mr. Nice Guy.”…I usually go back to my old ways by the 5th …That’s just my nature…It takes effort for me to knowingly do something “wrong” or “unfair” and I usually feel bad right after…There have been a lot of stories in the news lately about young ladies being abducted and killed…(Not a lot, really, but more than usual for around here). Anyway, I wonder how these guys can live with themselves…I feel guilty if I’m under-billed for my groceries…Or if I’m not charged for my drink at a restaurant…How could a person go on with everyday stuff, knowing that they’ve killed someone and buried them somewhere? I guess that’s why we’re so fascinated by “serial killers”…We think Hannibal Lector is charming and entertaining...until he moves into our neighbourhood…
***
The Oprah
Yesterday…we got to spend some time with Sarah Jessica Parker, Orlando Bloom and Matthew Fox…
Sarah Jessica Parker
She’s 40-something and looks pretty hot…all things considered…(I think her unfortunate outfit choices in “Sex & The City” made me want to dislike her…But she seems OK…in a spoiled celeb sort of way)…
She forbids the use of the word “fat” in her house…The crowd goes nuts…
She wants to have another baby…She misses giving birth...The Oprah makes a face and every one laughs…
She has a new fragrance called “Lovely”…The Oprah approved, so the masses should purchase it…Go now!
She bought The Oprah shoes (Some women love shoes…I don’t get it…Men tend to like electronic gadgets…but gadgets are functional…The shoes many women long for seem to emphasize form over function and look really uncomfortable…If I had the choice between an electronic gadget and a pair of useless, but “fantastic” ~or is it “fun-tastic”? ~ shoes, I’d have to go with the gadget 99% of the time…)
Orlando Bloom
…from the moment he walked out and greeted the crazed fans and The Oprah herself with his contrived humility…to his Pirate look…Ah…he grew up dadless…he’s “sensitive and respectful of women”…The crowd Ahhhs…because he was raised by two strong women…Johnny Depp’s depth…the crowd laughs…The Oprah repeats it a few times…the laughter is unstoppable…and finally the question we’ve all been waiting for: Is Orlando available? He takes a sip of water…Sorry, fellas…he’s dating somebody…he didn’t mention his name though…Oh…it’s Kate Bosworth…shit…This guy might not be so lame after all…
Preview of future shows: Uma will be on Oprah! (That was Letterman’s joke)…Picking up the pieces…Friday…
Back to Orlando Bloom: He took us to his fav places in Louisville, Kentucky…where he was working on his new film, “Elizabethtown”…He showed us Churchill Downs and a leather store…He bought The Oprah leashes for her three new puppies…I’m sure she walks them herself…
The most rewarding thing about doing something charitable is to have a camera crew follow you around as you do it…Bloom visited some Katrina survivors and gave them each $5000 gift certificates from Guess…
Monday’s show: Ricky Martin’s big comeback!!! He stepped away from the mic…Find out why…I can’t wait…Plus, Reese Witherspoon blah, blah, blah…
Next, hunky Matthew Fox, 39, husband, father of two…6 Emmys…Best show “Lost”…After watching an episode, people have no idea what’s gonna happen next and they can’t wait to see…Like “Joey”…or crack…
Hockey season begins tonight…Winnipeg got some snow today…
Back to Matthew Fox: He has to stay in Hawaii for filming “LOST”…I guess it’s one of those necessary evils that come with certain jobs…Poor Matthew…He showed us his favourite places to hang out and eat and to ride his horse “Flash”…His gift to The Oprah was chocolate covered macadamia nuts…
I thought it sucked driving an hour to and from work each day…but poor Matthew Fox has to live in Hawaii while filming “LOST” (the Emmy award winning, career-resuscitating, must-see hit TV show…) alongside the hideous Evangeline Lilly…How does he find the strength to lug himself out of bed in the morning? It must suck riding a horse in lush meadows on a beautiful island paradise…
Usher mailed in his interview on tape…his favourite place to advertise provided cake for the audience…
The audience members each received a bottle of SJP’s fragrance, a can of Matthew Fox’s nuts and a piece of Usher’s cake…
Isn’t it odd how rich people get stuff on-the-house though? The Oprah usually gets gifts from celebrity guests…’cause they’re friends too…But with stuff like dinner at restaurants, regular people have to wait...and then pay full price, but celebs are seated right away and are often given free stuff…
***
It’s getting late…Whenever I type directly into the Blogger template, something usually fucks up and I have to start over…So I’m re-doing this shit in Word and I’m running out of steam and patience…
***
I watched some of the hockey season opener last night…The Toronto Maple Leafs…If you let them, they’ll let you down almost every time…They were winning twice…then they ended up losing 3-2 to Ottawa in a shoot-out…I’ve kinda lost interest in organized sports in recent years..
***
Apprentice: Martha Stewart…a guy missed the birth of his daughter so that he could be on the show…“Sorry, honey…I was too busy being a scumbag on national television to witness your birth”…Cut to her eventual working this out in therapy...When she's old enough to be on her own reality show...
***
I’ve been considering bulimia lately…I can’t seem to muster up the strength or motivation to work out any more…For a while I was beating on the heavy bag in the basement (not a euphemism)…but as with most relationships built around violence, I now go down there with a beer and take down the heavy bag and just hang out with it…We’re good friends now…Anyway, with bulimia, I could eat as much of anything I want and then just puke it out…like the Romans did…A side effect that could result from excessive vomiting is that my throat could become as raw as Madonna’s vaginal walls were in the ‘80s…Also, I’d be paying for food and then not really processing it properly…There are other cons to the binge and purge regimen…I think about getting into bodybuilding sometimes too…but I’m not gonna do that either…
***
Today The Oprah had the cast from “Crash” do a panel discussion on racially charged stuff…I missed the beginning, but I did get to see The Oprah constantly interrupt Don Cheadle as he was trying to convey what seemed like intelligent, well-though-out points…It was quite annoying the way it tried to dominate the conversation…I was getting angry…They were talking about “the N-word” and how calling it that gives it more power…Cheadle was trying to explain that when black people use the word amongst themselves, they are sort of taking the hateful word and removing some of its bite…his points were constantly cut off though…I’m sure if you sent away for the transcript, it would piss you off too…The Oprah needed to emphasize how much it hates the word…but that it’s OK for the panelist to have their own views about it…
***
The Apprentice tonight told us that a good leader should get the group “jazzed”…
***
I was kinda all over the place with this post…I offer no real excuse…
I had better wrap this up…
Remember, though our excesses may kill us, they make our lives worth living…(I have written this on a scrap of paper, but don’t recall the source…That "Kitchen Confidential" show, I think...)
Your Pal,
Zambo.
P.S. U2 is on Conan tonight...I would hope that they would let Triumph have at them, but I'm sure it will be "safe"...They wouldn't want to upset a potential Nobel Peace Prize recipient...I don't like Bono for various reasons...The elaborate sunglasses don't help matters any...In the pilot episode of "Curb Your Enthusiasm" Larry David indicates that two types of people wear sunglasses indoors: The blind, and assholes...You decide...I can't believe that Joey Ramone's alleged deathbed request was to listen to a U2 song...These are sad times...Soon all our heroes will be dead...and making absurd requests just beforehand...
Good night, and good luck…
posted by Zambo at 12:33 AM
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