Blogorrhea, Blogorrhea...Blogorrhea Let Me Go!!!

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me...

Did you ever notice that when you think you’re all alone, and you let one rip, someone invariably comes up and wants to talk to you? Part of you will be listening to what (s)he is saying…but there’s a part of you that knows (s)he is in a cloud of your ass vapour…Like when Kyan on “Queer Eye” instructs us on how to apply fragrances…Spray, delay and walk away…Basically, they’re soaking in it…if it’s a friend, you’ll tell him/her what has just transpired…if not, and (s)he doesn’t realize it, you can do the old, “Walk with me. Talk with me”…If you don’t like the person and don’t care, then you let it soak in…There was a gal we used to work with who claimed that she had no sense of smell…I always wanted to test her…but I didn’t feel right about it for some reason…It would have been interesting to go back to her work area, after a particularly gassy lunch, and test her olfactive capabilities…

Anyway, I drive a lot…and I think about all sorts of stuff…sometimes tasks I have to get done at home or at work, sometimes what’s on for the weekend, sometimes what I’m going to write about here…my blogorrhea, if you will… (from the word logorrhea, meaning pathologically excessive and often incoherent talkativeness or wordiness that is characteristic especially of the manic phase of manic-depressive disorders)…

The following is a Foxworthy-type work in progress…I call it…

YOU MIGHT BE AN ASSHOLE IF: *

• You drive like a maniac and have a contact phone number or e-mail address on your vehicle…You also may be an idiot;
  
• You drive a motorcycle at about 1.5 times the posted speed limit and treat other vehicles as pylons on an obstacle course;
  
• You throw your cigarette butts out the window and they hit the vehicle behind you…(Every time this happens, I’m glad I don’t have a gun in the car);
  
• You drive a death trap like those “smart” cars...(My dad said he’d disown me if I bought a Mini Cooper…I don’t know what he’d do if I bought one of these pieces of shit. If you happen to own one, I’m sorry, but you just might be an asshole...Much like what I call the "Look at my glasses" glasses, I see this as the "Look at my car" car...);
  
• You are more concerned with the conversation that you’re having with passengers in your car than the road;
  
• You are using your cell phone and driving at high speeds…(There will be times when you’ll have to use the phone while driving…like there’s a delay and you’re going to be late…so you call to let someone know that you’ll be late…but if you’re just “shooting the shit”, then you probably are an asshole…and you may have ADD or some form of abandonment issues, if you can’t be alone and quiet for the time it takes to drive somewhere…)
  
• You drive at your own pace (below the posted speed limit) in “the fast lane”…It doesn’t matter that those behind you would like you to move over…In fact you’re oblivious to every one else’s needs…(Dennis Leary describes it best : “I drive really slow in the ultra-fast lane,While people behind me are going insane. I'm an asshole”);
  
• You think that signaling is optional…you signal as you’re moving laterally or turning, not before, to indicate your intention to other drivers…You signal when it suits you to do so…it’s always a roll of the dice to drive alongside you…Are you going to stay in your lane or move into the lane I would like to move into? Who knows…maybe you do, asshole…;
  
• Your bumper stickers aren't funny...
  
• You have any neon purple accessories on or underneath your vehicle;
  
• You have a sticker similar to this on your pick-up truck:

*If you are guilty of committing one or more of these acts against decency on a consistent basis…you just might be an asshole…Of course there are extenuating circumstances and we all have our “off days”…but I suspect that there are just some folks out there who don’t know how to drive…Let's just say that they're assholes! (This is what I have so far, but I may add to it in time)...

Speaking of assholes, I’ve watched the first few episodes of “Tommy Lee Goes to College"...…And let me tell you, he’s extreme…to the max…(Is that what the kids are saying today?)…He’s going to be 44 years old in October, and he just seems like he’s trying so hard to make it look like he isn’t trying at all…His little outfits are always hip as can be…but all I see is an upgraded version of Howard Stern - only he's witless, with a bigger penis and more ink…I’m not sure if that’s a good thing…or a bad thing…His tutor is pretty sexy though…I hope that he doesn’t give her the Hep C…(if he has it, that is)… …He seems to be suffering from what can only be described as “Sam Malone-itis”...I can’t remember the exact quote, but Diane described Sam as “…an aging lothario…” and mentioned that he's got a case of Peter Pan syndrome or something like that…(Sorry I don’t have the exact quote…it’s been a while…).

MORE TV

I enjoy watching "Big Brother" and I like the "UFC "...The thing about "Big Brother" is that people’s true nature comes through and it’s only a matter of time before they forget about the all-seeing cameras…It’s like they’ve never seen the show…even though it’s "Big Brother 6" in the US and I don’t know how many there have been worldwide…I know that the European ones are racier…Anyway, it’s an interesting social experiment…Reality TV seems to have gone too far…but it’s so damn entertaining…The "UFC" would qualify as a sporting event, but then there’s the show where the fighters must live in the same house and they’ll eventually have to fight somebody in order to stay in the house…Somehow I forgot to watch it last night…I got sidetracked…After watching stuff like this, you realize that we're not that far off from the gladiator days...There's an innate desire (mostly for men) to watch people hurting each other...I'm not quite sure exactly what "need" it fulfills...but I guess it's different things to different people...It's been a while since I've been in a real fight...I don't really like hurting people and tend to feel remorse if/when I do...But lately, I've been really wanting to experience clutching someone behind the neck and driving my knee into her/his face...(since it's not really going to happen, I can say "her/his")...It just seems so devastating...I've been kneed in the face accidentally and it wasn't too bad...but when it's controlled, practised and direct, it must be painful...That and the dreaded liver kick...It would seem that if you kick a guy in the liver area hard enough, it serves as an "OFF" switch...Keep this in mind the next time you're throwin' down...Also work the nuts and the throat area if it's life or death...Remember: Speed, aggression and surprise. I was going to tell a story about punching a guy in the nose when I was younger, but I'll save it for another time...

I'll leave you with a passage that I found when I clicked the "NEXT BLOG" button...I was directed to a Spanish page with a lot of sexually charged, but not explicit images...So I pasted the text into an online translation service to find out what the hell was going on here...I recognized a few of the words...

NOTE: the following contains mature subject matter and poorly translated English...Reader discretion is advised:

FEMININE MASTURBATION

Between a 70 and 82 percent of the women masturba until orgasmo sometimes in its life. Many begin last the 20 years, or when they have already made the sex. It is possible that some women never masturben themselves. The frequency usually varies depending on the circumstances, but the investigation demonstrates that the women who maintain sexual a relation active, masturban themselves as much as those that do not maintain it. The masturbation is an excellent way to discover your sexual answers, besides to satisfy your desires. The masturbation is a very personal and deprived experience. Many women discover masturbando better forms to be excited and to arrive at orgasmo during the sex, she even can contribute to that some experience multiple orgasmos. There are women who ease up remaining quiet when masturbar itself, using the hands only with the genitals. Others prefer to move vigorously and to caress the chests with the hands, in addition to the genitals. Also it is possible to be resorted to the use of lubricants to help to that the fingers slide, intensifying the pleasure of the masturbation. How to masturbar to a woman? The sexual necessities of each woman vary widely, each woman has her own preferences and desires. The best thing is to discover as they are the necessities of your companion, for ayudarte you can request to him that it guides its hand to you and teaches to you what more it likes. It is not necessary that you concentrate yourself only in the genitals, also remembers the sines and the navel. It caresses prepucio of clítoris of your companion, first by a side and later on the other hand, acordandote to vary the rate and the pressure. It is fundamental that the pressures on clítoris are small not to reduce the stimulation. The smaller or internal lips are very sensible to the tact. It caresses the vagina with all the hand and if the lubrication is adapted it introduces your fingers inside the vaginas.

MUTUAL MASTURBATION

the mutual masturbation is a good way to prepare the way towards the sex, or to continue when the way towards the complete sex is dificil, by disease, to be in the last stage of the pregnancy or so that to one of both it does not desire sex to him with penetration Thanks to the hands can make movements of high accuracy, that will cause that both you enjoy the best together sensations. By means of caresses you will discover yet details the body of your pair. And by means of these small games you will be able to express of form frees your desires and prefencias, doing to know to him to your pair which you like more.

So...What do you think of that?

All I can think to add is,

"It puts the lotion on its skin...It does this whenever it's told..."


Your Pal,

Putting the lotion in the fucking basket...

Zambo.