Holiday Cheer and Other Crap...
Today a co-worker asked me if I was all ready for Christmas, and I told him that my prescriptions have been filled and my guns are clean...Oh how we laughed...
We're having a potluck lunch at work next week...The list has been up for what seems like months...It's posted near my cage, so I get to constantly hear any updates or witty comments related to who's bringing what and why throughout the day...I haven't indicated what I'm bringing yet and that seems to ruffle feathers somehow...People really need to know...If only we could all put forth this much energy into our actual work is all I'm thinking...Also, someone wrote that he'd be bringing "Something greasy"...so naturally someone else wrote "Are you bringing a date?" and then someone else wrote "Ha! Ha! Ha!"...So this makes me tired all over, as you can imagine...Last year I wrote "Oreos" and some fuckin' shitbag, who has yet to come forward, wrote "Yuck!" beside it...But don't worry, I know who did it...I mentioned to him that some asshole had written this and he remained silent...nothing new there...We're all growing a little more passive aggressive each day...(Henry Rollins would puke if he knew what I've become)...
But enough about that, or I'm likely to vomit myself just thinking about it...
According to the Gospel of Matthew, King Herod 'the Great' ordered the execution of all male children aged two and younger in the village of Bethlehem to avoid the loss of his throne to a newborn "King of the Jews", whose birth had been related to him by magi (the 'three wise men'). Though there has been some debate over whether or not this story is historically accurate* there have been many paintings depicting this "MASSACRE OF THE INNOCENTS"...it is also affectionately referred to as "The Slaughter of the Innocents" (which I feel rolls off the tongue better)...
*if you're gonna start debating the historical accuracy of the Bible, then good luck to you, friend...That's not for me to tackle....
by Peter Paul Rubens
by Duccio...
So when you're sitting by a nice cozy fire, sipping your eggnog and playing your brand new Christbox 360 (What did you think the "X" stood for? Ask Dan Brown)...Maybe pour out a little nog for the fallen innocents...They died so that the sweet baby Jesus might live...and then die for our salvation...and then rise again…allegedly...and so that we could shop 'til we drop and overeat and get drunk and let our kids sit on strange costumed men's laps at some mall…It's sorta like that cool commercial you've seen many times, but have no idea what the product is later...We've survived so many of these Christmases that maybe we've forgotten what they're really supposed to mean...if we ever knew at all...I guess I know what Christmas should be about, but I've just lost interest...Yet in an album in my office I still have a photo of myself as a young lad on the lap of some guy dressed like Santa, crying my eyes out...It is right next to a picture of me on the lap of another stranger who's dressed as Cookie Monster, smiling my ass off...So what does it all mean? Who the fuck knows?
I hope whatever you're doing this holiday season makes you truly happy and wish all my pals the best in the year(s) to come...
Since I have no way of knowing if my next sneeze will be my last or if I'm gonna drop while shovelling the driveway, I shall strive to make every post special...
That's about all I've got right now...
Take care out there!
Your Pal,
Zambo.
P.S.
Stern was just on Conan...It wasn't as good as the Letterman appearance, but still pretty funny...Today on the radio show, everyone gave Howard a Christmas present and if he didn't like it, he was gonna throw it in a wood chipper...He's very hard to please and merciless if he doesn't approve of a gift...The bit didn't really go over so well 'cause the chipper wasn't tested beforehand...They eventually got it to work, but it was too late...But writer Benjy Bronk saved the day with the best gift of all...He gave Howard a little black boy! He sounded very cute and mentioned that he was much better than Maddox and that Stern would be better than Oprah if he was his daddy...(It was all in good fun...The kid's an actor and his parents approved)...Martha Stewart was also a pretty good guest and Pamela Anderson called in to promote her new Playboy project...I guess the Stern crew will be on vacation for the next few weeks...It's gonna be rough...I'll try not to post angry...
posted by Zambo at 1:12 AM
17 Comments:
Although it's lost some of its childhood allure, Christmas is still probably my favourite time of year. You spend time with friends and family, exchange gifts, get drunk, eat lots of tasty morsels, and even get some time off work. Plus, I have some kind of weird elf fetish, but that's another story. Best of all, people seem to act a little less like total assholes this time of year - some people are even nice. Interestingly enough (to me anyway), as I've become more irreligious over the years, I still enjoy Christmas. Hmmm... this might be worthy of a blog of my own. Stay tuned...
BeatDogg
Wow Zambo, you're Christmas spirit is so overwhelming...truly an inspiration, and so profound!! LOL
Have a good one buddy!
I got to listen to that show on the way to the Coast. It was a good one:)
You and I share the same Christmas Spirit. I'm thinking of for-going the whole shebang and turning my family's cultural celebration of something I don't even believe in,into a Soltsice thingy or a Celebration of the Earth,something I love dearly.
There's no law that says I can't;p
We shall see how it goes...
I always have a hard time with work related potlucks, only because everytime i've been to one i somehow get a serious case of food poisoning...
I guess some co-workers see this as an good opportunity to get back at a couple of people.
Now I just fill my plate with the food that I bring... it seems to be a lot safer.
That loser who wrote yuck next to your oreo cookie food choice last year earns a well deserved bag of oreo cookies over the next five christmases. What an idiot.
Merry Christmas Zambo!
You have to wonder what would happen to the American economy if people stopped Christmas shopping one year and just gave the money they would have spent to charity. I mean, look at the crap in the stores - chocolate fountains, foot massagers. All stuff people will stick in a closet and never use.
Wow, Zambo. You ran the gamut from the true meaning of Christmas to Howard Stern!
Great post.
By the way, I have a couple of chimp pictures for you. I don't see your E-mail addy listed, so if you are interested, you can e-mail me and then I'll forward them to you.
Wow, the holiday season is really bringing out the angst and bad language in you...I love it!!!
I have my own issues with Christmas even before all the material BS that's been piled on it.
So with that said, if we don't comment again before the 25th...
Merry Fucking Christmas, eh!
You know something, Zambo, your post probably has more true Christmas spirit in it than any of the sappy blogs about Christmas cookies and Santa's reindeer. I keep trying to tell the "politically correct" Happy Holiday folks what Christmas is really about. It's not about shopping until you drop and all the other crap. It is a mass to celebrate the birth of Christ, and to acknowledge the troubles those people were going through (and still seem to be going through 2,000 years later.)
Good for you for telling it like it is.
BTW, Merry Christmas.
Josie
Zambo, My man. You really know how to put everyone in a holiday mood. LOL "Christbox 360" shit man, I can hardly type from the laughter.
I get work dressing as santa and I love it, but I'd rather be wearing the cookie monster suit.
BTW. Thanks for the comments on my story it means a lot to me.
BBTW. I didn't really think you drank your own wee wee
Me likes the way you handled the Oreo man. Me might have gone further and get him to admit that he be telling me they were his favorites, Then Me gives him Ores for Christmas presents every year.
STOMP!
I have 2 words for you.
Bah humbug.
It sums up my holiday spirit this year. Although I did download a Judy Garland ring tone (have yourself a merry little christmas) But come on, Its Judy! So its ok.
Check out my monday picture today, its some relatives of yours :)
Hello Zambo!
Thank You for sharing That author with me. Me be looking foward to reading more about him. He reminds me, for no particular reason, of another guy that Me love to read.
Shel Silverstein. He be here:
http://www.shelsilverstein.com/indexSite.html
Hope you checks him uot and can share some more of your thoughts with me.
STOMP!
Ah Zambo, your holiday post made my holiday season a little brighter! :)
The whole ShoppingFest season used to really wear on me, but now that my family has (mostly) turned it all down a notch I'm enjoying it a lot more. I like the lights and the music and the parties (mostly--but I also never know what to bring to potlucks).
PS Any gift I pick out would likely end up in the wood-chipper. I hate shopping.
hey... any chance you can bring a wood-chipper to your office pot luck? that would be great... you could be like
"ohhh gross... who's the fuckng MORON that brought the stinky-ass cabbage rolls?! In they go..."
Now THAT is retribution!!! Turn perfect Nancy's perfect butter cookies into woodchips!
FANTASTIC post!
"I hope whatever you're doing this holiday season makes you truly happy and wish all my pals the best in the year(s) to come..."
Truly happy indeed... It'll be just me and a box o' wine. All the best years are behind me I think, so, I'm gonna keep sucking it back until old blacky just gives in.
happy days :)
ex and oh pal.
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